[2020-09-02] Caring for the caregivers

When someone is ill, particularly when they have cancer, we naturally rally around them. We worry about them. We are concerned for their physical and mental health. We encourage them as they face and go through treatment.

I have benefited immensely from this caring, and am grateful for every email, card, call, gift and visit I have received from family, friends and colleagues. I have been buoyed by your kindness.

I have been equally thankful for the support that has been extended to my husband and kids. They have an emotionally taxing job, which includes taking on responsibilities for things that I would normally do, caring for me and worrying about the future.

One friend made a lasagna and cookies for my family while I was in hospital. Another took my daughter out for coffee. And a third sent a gift box with goodies for the whole family to enjoy and a card addressed to all of us by name.

Just as I'm asking you to remember the nurses, tonight I am asking you to remember the family and friend caregivers in our lives—the people who are caring for ill loved ones while grappling with their own emotions, such as sadness, fear and guilt. They may not recognize their own need for support or, if they do, may be reluctant to ask for it.

So reach out to the caregivers.
  • Validate their feelings and allow them to be sad if they want to be sad.
  • Laugh with them if they want to laugh.
  • Listen to them, without offering advice.
  • Encourage them to take care of their own mental and physical health: getting enough sleep, eating well, and taking the time to rest and rejuvenate.
  • If appropriate, help them to enjoy life beyond their work caring for a sick family member, even if that's just going for a walk.
  • Check in with them regularly, on a schedule and in a format that suits them.
  • Send them a treat, be it healthy snacks or a novel or an offer to give them a break while you spend time with their ill family member.
  • Follow through on your commitments.
And the caregivers aren't just immediate family. Think about everyone around the cancer patient—not just spouses and children. Consider their parents, their sisters and brothers, even their employees and colleagues.

We all experience the illness of a loved one in different ways. Cancer can be particularly difficult because of the uncertainty. And I think it's that uncertainty that enables cancer to be so mean.

One of my goals with this blog is to rob cancer of its power. Taking care of the caregivers is one way to stop cancer from wreaking havoc in so many lives. And it's a beautiful way for us to connect with and enrich the lives of other human beings, which is—after all—the whole point of living.