[2020-09-14] Love is letting go of fear
I read my first self-help book at the age of 19 when I was a summer student working in the government. The book was a recommendation from a colleague who was like an older, wiser version of me. We had both studied journalism at Carleton University. We both loved to write. We even had the same first name. We were kindred spirits despite the 20-year age gap.
I credit Jennifer for starting me on a path of self-reflection—what we used to call the journey within.
For the next five years, I spent many hours reading, writing and learning about myself. It was my therapy. I explored love and fear, self-esteem, co-dependence, and many other fundamental concepts. That self-reflection was critical to shaping who I am today and is a practice that has stayed with me. It continued when I launched my first blog, Café Jen, in which I would share excerpts and takeaways from books related to the topic of success at work.
In recent weeks, I've pulled off my bookshelf some of the books that influenced me in my early self-exploration. In doing so, I've realized that I internalized and interpreted the teachings in a way that made sense to me, not necessarily how the author conveyed them.
Such was the case this morning when I perused a book that had made a big impression on me when I read it in 1989: Love Is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D. What I had internalized from that book, and repeated many times in the past 30 years, is that all emotions stem from two basic ones: love and fear. When we are kind and generous and complimentary, we are acting out of love. When we are angry, jealous and disappointed, we are acting out of fear.
When I am upset, I will often ask myself, "What are you fearful of?" That helps me to pinpoint the real source of my negative feelings and to address the issue in a productive way.
For example, if I saw my son playing video games instead of working on a school assignment, I would get angry. But behind that anger was fear that he would not succeed in school and therefore not succeed in life. Acting out of fear, I might have said, "Why are you playing video games instead of working on your assignment?" Acting out of love, I might have said, "Hey Shane, taking a break from your assignment? Do you need to talk it through with me?" As an extroverted thinker, Shane would often discuss school assignments and that would help him figure out how to tackle the homework.
That's not to say that I always act out of love. Far from it. But this little trick of asking what I'm afraid of has helped me to understand, process and move past many negative thoughts and feelings over the years.
I also found that choosing to act out of love has helped me to be a better leader. When an employee was struggling, I would recognize in my disappointment a fear that their lack of performance would make more work for me. But acting out of love would prompt me to ask what the employee needed to get the job done. Sometimes what they needed was clearer direction from me.
Other major themes in Love Is Letting Go of Fear are forgiveness and peace of mind. Jampolsky writes: "Simply stated, to forgive is to let go." Forgiveness includes not judging others, but recognizing the fear in them and their need for love. Jampolsky explains:
Forgiveness then becomes a process of letting go and overlooking whatever we thought other people may have done to us, or whatever we may think we have done to them.
Forgiveness enables us to experience peace of mind—a state in which we are free from grudges and memories of past hurts. Jampolsky states:
When our mind is filled with upsetting thoughts, we see the world and those in it as upsetting to us. On the other hand, when our mind is peaceful, the world and the people in it appear to us as peaceful.
Two more quotes from Love Is Letting Go of Fear are particularly appropriate in my current circumstances:
Most of us go through life with the belief system that our happiness or unhappiness is largely determined by the events in our environment and reactions of other people to us. Frequently we feel that our happiness is dependent on good or bad luck for which we bear little responsibility.
We really cannot change the external world nor can we change other people. We can change how we perceive the world, how we perceive others, and how we perceive ourselves.
I don't see cancer as good or bad luck, nor do I choose to give it the power to affect my peace of mind. Since my diagnosis, I still see so much love and beauty in the world.
And I still take pride in my accomplishments even if they are small compared to what I might have achieved in a day before. Last night, I was able to sleep on my left side in addition to my right side, which is huge. Today, I went for a walk—just a slow shuffle around the street—and then took a nap. And I folded laundry (my kids do the lifting and carrying). Having the energy to walk and fold towels and the willingness to take a nap are my successes for the day.
