[2020-09-17] Random acts of kindness
Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny day in Ottawa. I sat out on my back deck in my new favourite corner—cedar bench-cum-picnic-table. The sun was warm, as was the wind. My old dog, Freddie, dozed nearby. It was a perfect setting in which to spend the afternoon reading another book from my shelf, this time Random Acts of Kindness. The Random in the title of the book refers to acts of kindness performed by strangers or, sometimes, anonymously by acquaintances, such as neighbours. I read story after story of random acts of kindness performed or received. This one was my favourite:
Several years ago, when I was living in Chicago, I read in the newspaper about a little boy who had leukemia. Every time he was feeling discouraged or particularly sick, a package would arrive for him containing some little toy or book to cheer him up with a note saying the present was from the Magic Dragon. No one knew who it was. Eventually the boy died and his parents thought the Magic Dragon finally would come forth and reveal him or herself. But that never happened. After hearing the story, I resolved to become a Magic Dragon whenever I could and have had many occasions.
The book prompted me to reflect on random acts of kindness I had performed. The most memorable one was from many years ago when one of my brothers had broken his leg. I met him at the emergency of the Queensway-Carleton Hospital, where he had been taken by ambulance. By the time I arrived, he was already in a bed in the curtained area, and was being well taken care of. So, after seeing him, I went back out to the waiting area. While there, I noticed a boy—maybe 12 years old—sitting by himself in a wheelchair. There was no one with him: no parent, no friend, no neighbour. He was crying quietly. I went over to him to ask whether he was OK and whether he was alone. He told me that he had been tobogganing with a woman—I think she was in her early 20s—and that they had had an accident. He said that his friend was in much worse shape than he. Like my brother, the woman was in the curtained area being attended to. I asked him where he hurt, and he said, "I think my knee is broken." So, with no one else to advocate for the boy, I went up to someone in authority and said, "This boy thinks he broke his knee and is in a lot of pain. Can someone come check on him?" I stayed with him until someone did come to check on him, which wasn't much later. He was then taken off to the curtained area as well. I never saw him again, but I know that he was grateful for the company.
That day and every other time that I have performed an act of kindness—whether for a stranger or a loved one—I have always felt better for doing so. This feeling is illustrated well by this quote from the book:
Kindness is twice blessed. It blesses the one who gives it with a sense of his or her own capacity to love, and the person who receives it with a sense of the beneficence of the universe.
The quote reminds me of my own recent visit to the emergency at the Queensway-Carleton Hospital. Even though it was mid-summer (July 29), it was cold in the hospital. Despite my wearing long pants and a yoga jacket, I was cold, as were the other women in the little area where we waited for test results. I knew that the hospital had warm blankets, if only I could find someone to ask. But it was extremely busy in the emergency department that day, so I went wandering. I found the place where they kept the warm blankets and helped myself, bringing back blankets for the two other women in the room as well as for myself.
These same two women had a brief exchange about the waiting. One complained, "It's always so slow in emergency." The other—older and perhaps more experienced—replied, "Yes, but at least when you come to emergency, you get your tests and the results in the same day." At that point, I had yet to receive the results of the ultrasound that I had had a few hours before, but those words would come back to me. Not long after I had settled under my warm blanket, I was called away to a private room where a doctor told me that I had ovarian cancer. It was random in that I never expected it, but it also felt like an act of kindness in that the medical professionals had discovered the cancer inside me, almost by chance. That older, wiser woman had been right about the benefits of going to emergency.
Invisible acts of kindness
In the introduction to Random Acts of Kindness, Dawna Markova describes learning about kindness from her Russian grandmother, who said:
"When you give from your heart, it's not so you get anything back. There is no owing or owed. You just give because you want to give. When you give like this, it fills you up. Your heart can never run out. The more you give from there, the fuller you will be."
Markova relays a story of having benefited from an act of kindness by someone who would have had no idea of her impact:
Decades later, when I was struggling with a life-threatening disease, I traveled to a conference in Washington, D.C., in search of answers. One of the speakers was Maya Angelou, a superb poet and writer. She spoke of surviving a childhood full of terror and violence. Her handholds through the darkness were countless gifts of beauty offered to her by authors and artists who never even knew she existed. "Their work inspired me, shaped my thinking, exposed me to what could be possible," she recalled. "And I have never forgotten to say thank you for those random acts of kindness."
Maya Angelou's words touched Markova deeply, and she left the conference with a new perspective, recalling all the incredible gifts that had been bestowed on her every day of her life: the music of Tchaikovsky, the songs of Johnny Mathis, the writings of Mark Twain, the water lilies of Monet, and the garden of a neighbour.
Anyone who creates something of beauty may not know who benefits from their acts of kindness, but I do think that the desire to touch others is what drives many artists. George Bernard Shaw, for example, is quoted in the book:
I'm of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. Life is no "brief candle" to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
I love this sentiment. This morning, I wrote to a friend: "I'm glad I'm documenting my progress. Otherwise, I would forget. I hope that I'll be able to help someone going through this in the future." She replied, "The future? You are helping us now with every blog you write." What a beautiful thought.
I believe that we all have this power to influence others through the light we shine in the world. It might be as a leader, a parent or a coach. It might be as a gardener or an artist. It might be as a writer. The book notes:
All of you reading these words have loved someone, have done someone a kindness, have healed a wound, have taken on a challenge, have created something beautiful, and have enjoyed breathing the air of existence. Never doubt how precious, how vitally important you are. Every moment you make a difference. So, today, appreciate yourself as a random act of kindness.
So many people have been Magic Dragons to me in the past few months. As this quote says, I have benefited from an infinite number of gifts.
In a time when so many people feel powerless and unrecognized, when there are so many miserable things that happen to so many wonderful people, there are moments when you must stomp your feet in indignation and make room for the expression of your outrage. But you must also create space in your life for the expression of gratitude. What has sustained your soul? What has inspired you to hold on when all else was pulling you over a cliff? You are, we all are, the culmination of an infinite number of improbable gifts from myriad nameless sources.
I am grateful for every interaction I have had since cancer became part of my life—from the briefest messages to the most thoughtful presents. As small compensation for your generosity of spirit, I share these additional quotes from Random Acts of Kindness.
The power of kindness is immense. It is nothing less, really, than the power to change the world.
~ Daphne Rose Kingma
Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts.
~ Barbara Garrison
We do not remember days, we remember moments.
~ Casare Pavese
The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
~ Robert Byrne
I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.
~ Anne Frank
Believe nothing, O monks, merely because you have been told it.... Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings—that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.
~ Buddha
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
~ Viktor Frankl
The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live.
~ Joan Borysenko
