[2020-10-05] Patience
A wise friend responded to last night's update on my recovery from chemotherapy with this:
This is not a linear journey and patience is probably as important as any other virtue you have....and you have plenty.
In his compassionate way, I think he was calling my bluff, reading lack of patience into my most recent posts. However, whether he was being kind or observant, he was right. I have been impatient as of late.
I am accustomed to being healthy. By and large, my body has always done what I needed it to do for me: work long hours, carry heavy loads, not get sick.
But now my body is sick. It needs rest. It can't respond to my every whim. And that bums me out. Perhaps this is what my family doctor meant when she said, "It's OK to mourn the loss of your perfect health."
So how does one cultivate patience? Start with a good definition.
- The dictionary defines patience as:
- the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of Wherever You Go There You Are, provides a beautiful and gentle explanation for patience:
- Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.
- Patience is the antidote to anger, a way to learn to love and care for whatever we meet on the path.... The journey of patience involves relaxing, opening to what's happening, experiencing a sense of wonder.
I like these three definitions because they're different. One is about choosing acceptance over anger in the face of suffering. Another is about understanding the disconnect between our expectations of how something will unfold and how it's actually unfolding. And the third is about learning from the situation. There is wisdom in all three perspectives.
Eight years ago, I wrote a blog post called 10 tips for cultivating patience at work. Some of the tips are relevant in my current circumstances.
Ask "Why are you in such a hurry?" and "What will you lose by being impatient?"
The first question is easy. Being sick sucks. It hurts. It zaps my energy. It prevents me from doing things I love, such as enjoying food, reading or writing. But the second question is instructive. By being impatient, I miss out on peace. And I miss out on the opportunity to experience grace that I can use to help others in future. I did say that my mission was to wring every positive thing out of cancer, grow from the experience, and be an even brighter light in the world, both during and after treatment. Patience has to be part of what I am meant to learn. In fact, the second tip in my 2012 blog post was just that: see what you can learn.
Slow down to speed up
If there is such a thing as a separation of mind and body, I would say that my mind has traditionally given the orders and my body has responded. The tables have turned. My body is now calling the shots. Yesterday, for example, I napped in the morning, napped in the afternoon and went to bed by 8:00 p.m. That's unheard of. People keep telling me to listen to my body, and that's what I'm trying to do. Rest now to have more energy later.
Figure out what triggers impatience
For me, impatience is rooted in a disconnect between my expectations for how something will occur and what happens in reality. Perhaps foolishly, I thought that my nurse's description of her mom's response to chemotherapy (tired for three days but not necessarily sick) would match mine. I have felt worse than this description would have suggested. So rather than compare my response to that of someone else (and it's so easy to forget pain after the fact), I will simply compare future responses to chemotherapy to my own response.
Keep a journal
My blog post recommended keeping a journal to note when you lose patience. "For one to two weeks, whenever you get that rushed feeling and the sense of impatience, write down whatever it is that feeling is associated with.... You will notice that you are more aware of (and subsequently more prepared for) the feeling of impatience. You will also be able to observe the sense of impatience objectively and which events give rise to it." I will try to honestly reflect here when I lose patience, for that is an important part of my journey.
Observe, and learn from, someone who is patient
If you want to be more patient, look for patience in others and try to emulate it. Many people have faced (and currently face) challenges much greater than mine. I welcome all stories of patience as inspiration for my own battle.
I return to a quote that I shared early on in this blog, for it aptly sums up where I am today:
You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don't want to read, you will have moments when you don't want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don't miss out.
As you may have surmised from the length and focus of this post, I did feel better today. All the indicators are going in the right direction: fatigue and nausea are declining, and appetite and energy are rising. My recovery may not be linear, but I do hope that tomorrow will continue as today.
