[2020-10-13] Permission to feel all emotions
In this blog, I don't want to portray myself like a Mary Sue, which Wikipedia defines as follows:
A Mary Sue is a generic name for any fictional character (usually female) who is so competent or perfect that this appears unrealistic for the world's settings, even in the context of the fictional setting. Mary Sues are often an author's idealized or flawless self-insertion.
I realize that my upbeat approach to cancer—no matter how sincere—may make others feel that they don't have permission to be sad or scared or stressed. They absolutely do have every right to "feel all the feels," in other words, to experience the full range of strong emotions. After all, I have my ups and downs too.
In Your emotions and cancer, the Canadian Cancer Society (CCS) provides an excellent resource that details the array of emotions that can be associated with cancer.
Going through many emotions is a normal part of having cancer, whether you’ve just been diagnosed, finished treatment or found out that cancer has come back. Many describe this as being on an emotional roller coaster. Everyone reacts to a cancer diagnosis in their own way. It’s hard to predict how quickly or easily someone will adjust to the situation. How you react and adjust to living with cancer often depends on how you face other problems and crises.
This is true not only of the person with cancer but of their loved ones as well. The CCS webpage points out:
Family and caregivers can also feel lonely. They can feel as though they’ve lost their best friend or that they have no one to talk to about what they’re going through. They may feel overwhelmed by new responsibilities. They may feel like they don’t have time to see friends or do activities they enjoy. They may also feel overlooked by the healthcare team or family members and friends, who tend to focus on the person with cancer.
To assure you that I'm not a Mary Sue and to validate the feelings of loved ones who have moments when they struggle with my illness, I've taken excerpts (in italics) from each of the emotions discussed in Your emotions and cancer and added my reflections on the extent to which I have felt these feelings and my sense of how those around me are experiencing these same sentiments.
Shock
Shock is often the first reaction to finding out that you have cancer, your cancer has come back or your cancer is advanced. It can make you feel confused and numb, unable to know what to think or feel. Shock can make it very hard for you to take in information or complete simple tasks. You may even forget where you are or feel like time has stopped.
I was definitely shocked when I learned that I had ovarian cancer, which I described in my first post as "a scary, unexpected diagnosis." And everyone with whom I've shared my news has been equally taken aback. Shock would appear to be a universal emotion.
Fear
A cancer diagnosis is scary. You may feel at times as if your life is out of control and you don’t know what the future holds. This is especially true soon after diagnosis, but these feelings can come and go at times during your treatment and after. For many people, fear and uncertainty fade as they learn more about cancer and what to expect from treatment. You may also feel more in control once you are into a treatment routine.
I've definitely been fearful at times—particularly when first diagnosed, before my surgery and before my first chemo treatment—as have my loved ones. As I said in Caring for the caregivers, the uncertainty of cancer is what makes it so good at stoking fear and stealing hope. But it's also true that as I move through the various stages of treatment, I'm feeling more and more confident about my prognosis. And it's my hope that, by sharing regular updates on my health, I am allaying the fears of all who are accompanying me on this journey.
Denial
Denial is the mind’s way of coping with painful facts, such as the diagnosis of cancer. No one chooses to be in denial. In some ways, a short period of denial can be helpful because it can give you time to feel less overwhelmed by the news.
I've never been in denial about my diagnosis or the life-threatening nature of cancer. Others may wish that I weren't dealing with cancer. But I like to think that action is the opposite of denial, so as long as I and others are acting to address the issue, we're doing OK.
Anger
Anger is a common response to something that feels very unfair. You may feel anger toward the cancer itself, healthcare professionals, or friends and family who are healthy or don’t understand what you’re going through. You may also feel angry with your god or even yourself. Sometimes people get angry instead of expressing other emotions like fear or sadness. Many of us grow up with the idea that it’s not OK to express our anger. But anger is a normal response to cancer. You don’t have to pretend that everything is fine if it’s not.
Like denial, I have not experienced anger. There's no one to be angry toward. I've had excellent care and support as well as tremendous understanding from everyone in my life. But loved ones may be angry that I have to deal with cancer or that cancer is a threat to my future. But just as anger is a perfectly natural emotion for those facing cancer, I believe that anger is a perfectly natural emotion for those who love the cancer patient.
Guilt
People sometimes blame themselves for their cancer. You may wonder if you could have done something to prevent it or to discover it sooner. You may also feel guilty about how your illness affects your loved ones. Caregivers, family members or friends may also feel guilty. They may feel guilty for being healthy while someone they love is ill, or that they can’t make you feel better, or that they aren’t doing a good job of helping or supporting you.
I have definitely had moments of guilt or self-doubt. Could I have sought medical help sooner? Should I have insisted on a face-to-face appointment with my doctor rather than let COVID dictate that I describe my symptoms over the phone? Did I cause my cancer by working too much and sleeping too little? Fortunately, feelings of guilt and self-doubt have been fleeting. I choose not to indulge in the blame game. I don't know whether my loved ones feel guilty for being healthy while I'm sick or for not doing enough, but I'm hoping that the fact that I'm doing well will assuage any feelings of guilt they may have. And I hope that no one person feels a burden to help me given the wide and varied support I'm receiving from so many people.
Anxiety and stress
Feeling anxious when you have cancer is normal, but sometimes anxiety can get so bad that it overwhelms you. When that happens, anxiety can be diagnosed as a medical condition that needs treatment.... Stress is our body’s way of reacting to something that we think is dangerous or that is a challenge to us. Stress isn’t always a bad thing.... But if you have high levels of stress for a long time, it can have a negative effect on your health.
I was probably most anxious the night before my first chemo treatment—even more so than before surgery. (Either that or my little gallbladder was acting up again.) As I often do when I have some ailment, I called my niece. We had a nice chat, I felt better mentally, and I went to bed. The next morning I was ready to face my chemo treatment like a big girl on her first day of school.
Loneliness and isolation
Cancer can make you feel very alone. Friends and family may not phone or visit as often as you’d like. You may feel too sick to work or enjoy social activities. Even when you’re with people, you may feel that no one understands what you’re going through. Sometimes family or friends have a hard time dealing with cancer and may not visit or contact you as often as they did before. This doesn’t mean they don’t care. They may just be afraid to see someone looking sick or worry they will say the wrong thing.
While I haven't felt at all lonely or isolated—thanks in no small measure to the many people who are reaching out to me, over and over again—I suspect that some of my loved ones do feel this way. Alone with their fears and their questions. Without someone to unburden themselves to. This is completely understandable.
Sadness
Many people feel sad after a cancer diagnosis or while being treated for cancer. Maybe you feel sad about the loss of your good health or unhappy because you can’t spend time with your family as you used to.... It’s normal to feel sad or to be tearful, frustrated or discouraged when dealing with stressful or upsetting events.
The hardest period of my journey back to health so far was the four or five days after chemotherapy. I was especially discouraged when I was still feeling ill on Pyjama Day #4. But soon after, I started feeling better, and now I feel better prepared for the aftermath of the next round of chemotherapy. For my family, sadness was apparent the moment I shared my diagnosis. I wish there were a better way to share sad news. Again, I hope that by sharing updates on my progress, I am calming fears and lessening sadness.
Depression
Many people feel unhappy, tearful, hopeless or discouraged at times when they have cancer. These feelings are normal.... Depression can and should be treated. It is not a sign of weakness. A person who is depressed can’t "snap out of it" or "cheer up" through willpower alone..... You may be at a higher risk of depression if you have advanced cancer, if you have had depression before or don’t have a support network of family or friends.
I am fortunate that I have not experienced depression. As the CCS site says, "Depression...is not a sign of weakness" and I think that's true whether you are the patient or the person who loves them.
Hope
Hope is the feeling of wanting something to happen. Some people find it easy to be hopeful—it helps them cope with the hard things happening right now. But you might find it hard to find any hope in what is a tough experience. And that’s OK. You don’t have to pretend to feel a certain way if you don’t. Hope is very important to many people with cancer and their loved ones, but it’s also important to keep a balance between realistic hope and false hope. Having a realistic picture of the future helps you make better decisions about your treatment and any long-term plans you may have.
I have chosen to think positively about the future. Whether I'm hopeful or not, the outcome will be what it will be. However, hope is a much more peaceful frame of mind than worry, and that's where I choose to live.
One final thought... In How Cancer Affects Family Life, the American Society of Clinical Oncology says:
As any person with cancer knows, a cancer diagnosis also affects family members and friends. Sometimes, the complex feelings and lifestyle changes caused by cancer and its treatment become as overwhelming for others in your life as they are for you. Understanding the potential changes in the way you relate to specific family members and friends may help you take steps to grow healthy, mutually supportive relationships during this challenging time.
Despite cancer or perhaps because of it, I have developed new friendships and deeper relationships with family members. I am more present in the lives of loved ones. I am more aware of the precious nature of life. And I recognize that people around me may struggle at times, and that's perfectly OK. In this story, no one is a Mary Sue, and that's how it should be.
