[2020-11-21] My to-don't list
Yesterday's post on where we choose to spend our time garnered a lot of feedback. I love that because comments often expand my own thinking on a topic.
Among the observations readers had on the post, two stuck out for me. One friend shared a list of things he no longer wants to do with the time he has left. And another noted that the amount of time we have to spend on the people and things that we love is not as important as the quality of that time.
On the first comment, I love the idea of reflecting on what I will no longer do. My friend's feedback reminded me of something I used to do at work: I had a to-don't list. My to-do list was already too long, and I had a tendency to take on too much. So the director in my office worked with me to come up with a to-don't list—a collection of tasks that I would leave for others to do, such as approving certain communications products.
My friend's to-don't list included spending energy in complicated relationships, trying to read Marcel Proust or any complicated literature, and giving unsolicited advice to people.
That got me thinking about my own to-don't list, which would include:
- Associating with people who are negative or selfish.
- Doing optional things out of a sense of obligation.
- Consuming news stories that are depressing or disturbing.
- Reading books that have a sad ending.
- Following fussy recipes—the kind that take more effort than they're worth.
- Trying to convince someone that I'm not the person they think I am (I gave that one up many years ago).
Writing down this list made me think of an interview that American writer Toni Morrison gave a few years before she died. She confided to her friend and fellow writer Hilton Als that there were three things she was allowed to say now that she was in her 80s: no, shut up and get out. In other words, she told him, she had earned the right not to do what she didn't want to do. (I wonder whether having cancer is like growing old: does it earn one the right to not do what one doesn't want to do?)
On the second notable comment on last night's post, I like my friend's precision that quality, not quantity, is what's important when it comes to the things we want to do. For anyone who is working full time or is otherwise pressed for time, quantity of time is a luxury, so making the most of every moment of leisure is vital.
I got a taste of that today because Chris was under the weather, and I needed to take on some of the things he would normally do. After a morning walk with my daughter, I spent part of my day cleaning the kitchen and preparing supper. It's astonishing how much time it takes to do things around the house. I haven't made supper by myself in, well, years. Making a dessert (often in partnership with my daughter) or helping with dinner or giving the kids a hand with dishes is not the same as making a meal solo. Despite the fact that I was a little out of practice, I made a delicious supper, which everyone loved. That's some quality time right there.
I am grateful for all the comments I receive on this blog. They make me smile and, often, make me think, which leads to more reflections and new posts. Thank you for being part of this virtuous cycle. What's on your to-don't list?
