[2020-12-07] Who sits at the head of your table?
Years ago, I took a two-day course on effective communication. One of the concepts in the course was that we all have a board of directors in our head, and we allow different people to assume the role of chairperson. I liked the way the course leader explained the concept: each member of the board is a version of ourselves. One person might be a scared eight-year-old version of us. Another might be a grown-up version. Her question to us was this: "Who sits at the head of your table?"
I've thought about that question many times since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I could very easily allow myself to be ruled by Fearful Jen or Pessimistic Jen or Why Me Jen. Instead, I've chosen to put Pragmatic Jen at the head of my table—the person who focuses on what I can do to make the most of the circumstances. That doesn't mean that the other characters aren't sitting around the table. It just means that the person with the most compelling voice in my head is the person who says, "OK, what's next? Round 5 of chemo? Let's focus on that."
I was reminded of this concept when reading about Arianna Huffington's morning routine. Huffington acknowledges that, some days, life intervenes and her routine doesn't go as planned. On those occasions, she tries not to judge herself, saying:
I’m a big proponent of silencing the voice of self-judgement and self-doubt in our heads, which I call the obnoxious roommate. It’s the voice that feeds on putting us down and strengthening our insecurities and doubts. I have spent many years trying to evict my obnoxious roommate and have now managed to relegate her to only occasional guest appearances in my head!
When people describe the voices in their heads, they often speak of them as other people, such as the obnoxious roommate. I prefer to think of the characters in my head as versions of me, with a legitimate role to play. All characters in my head have something valuable to contribute. Worrying Jen helps me to take steps to prepare for a possible outcome (for example, that I may be a carrier of the BRCA2 gene mutation), but Pragmatic Jen counters with the fact that there's little value in ruminating about a potential result, which may never materialize. Worrying Jen says, "Hey, there could be a bridge ahead"; Pragmatic Jen says, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
Asking yourself "Who sits at the head of your table?" isn't about having only one person on your board of directors. It's about recognizing what each character contributes, but listening more frequently to the person who brings the most peace and balance to your mind.
