[2020-12-16] Work hard but...
Today's entry in A Year of Positive Thinking is called "Pursue Your Own Best Life." Author Cyndie Spiegel writes:
Do work that you love, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Live in a way that makes you proud. Keep good company. Make space for creativity. Drink good coffee or tea. Smile on the inside. Learn from others. Love well. Drink. Repeat.
It got me thinking about what advice I would give to others, especially the young people in my life, and how that advice has changed now that I'm facing a life-threatening illness.
Work hard but leave time for family, friends and other activities
I've always worked hard—something that runs in my family. However, as I've progressed in my career, I've increasingly allowed myself to fall into the habit of working many more hours than anyone should. It's an occupational hazard that comes with being an Assistant Deputy Minister. But the blame does not rest entirely (or even at all) at the doorstep of the system in which I work. I take responsibility for having chosen to become an ADM and for the high standards I imposed on myself. I also take responsibility for the part of my workload that was self-imposed: I spent many hours mentoring young public servants, delivering speeches, and trying to be there for my employees. However, since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I have acknowledged that, had I known where I would find myself at 54, I might have made different decisions about my career. I still believe that hard work is noble, but I also believe in insisting on time away from work for family and friends, even if I wasn't a great role model. As for activities, I used to have another blog, Café Jen, that brought me great joy, but I let it lapse after I became an ADM. Publishing this new blog has reconnected me with the joy of writing. We all need at least one activity outside work that brings us joy.
Be friendly and nurture friendships
Between work and family, I have had very little time to cultivate and maintain friendships—though that has changed since I've been on health leave. Fortunately, I've always been a friendly person and so have nurtured many acquaintances, including over my 32 years in the federal Public Service. Many of those acquaintances have blossomed into friendships as I've reconnected with people from my past. I've also made new friends by sharing my story; I now communicate with people who have experienced similar challenges or had a loved one face cancer. Still, if I were to do it again, I'd spend more time nurturing friendships.
Learn about food and eat well
Eating well can have two meanings: eating foods that are good for you and eating foods that are delicious. Sometimes, though not always, the two categories are mutually exclusive. My advice (and approach) is this: learn what foods are good for you, fall in love with them and consume these often. Back in the late '80s, I read The Enlightened Eater by Canadian dietitian Rosie Schwartz and Toronto Sun food editor Marion Kane; the book set me on a path of eating well based on the science of nutritious food. But even Schwartz and Kane left room for dessert. I can't imagine a life without a little chocolate or a pecan-cranberry square or scones with caramel sauce (yes, I naturally have a sweet tooth, though I indulge it in moderation).
Walk
I always say that walking is magical. For me, it clears the mind better than just about any activity. I can recall one summer night going for a long walk alone. I walked until I had resolved the issue I was struggling with. An hour from home, I stopped and, a bit like Forrest Gump, turned around and walked back home. It's been said that if you can't change a situation, change how you think about the situation. It worked wonders that night. Walking is also a terrific way to be present with another person. Electronic distractions are minimized. Talking is one of the few things you can do while walking. And silence feels natural. I get up weekday mornings at 6:30 and weekend mornings at 7:30 just so that I can go for a walk with my son. After several months of doing this, I'm hooked—even today, in -25°C wind chill. As much walking as I've done in my life, I wish that I had done more.
Let others know you're thinking of them
I can't think of a downside to reaching out to someone and saying, "I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope that you're doing well." Every time someone has done that to me, I have always been so touched. Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have received so many emails, texts, cards, phone calls and social media messages expressing concern, providing encouragement and sharing what impact I've had in the lives of other people. Every such message has lifted my spirits. I received similar communications before my diagnosis, and they were just as sweet. I have made an effort to send emails to employees to let them know that I noticed an especially good effort on their part. I always wanted to do more of that.
Be kind to yourself
I might have started with this piece of advice, as it's the single most important one. If you're not kind to yourself, you won't believe that you deserve time with your family, your friends, or yourself. You won't have the self-confidence that enables you to be a friend to yourself and others. You won't take the time to eat well and to take care of your body. So nurture your self-esteem; I read terrific books on the subject, and they made all the difference. Speak gently to yourself. In my early '20s, I told myself over and over "I am loving and lovable; my life is filled with love" until I believed that mantra.
It's undeniable that I see life differently now. I'm more cognizant of the shortness and uncertainty of life. I'm more conscious of the value of life outside work. And I'm more aware of the effect that love and kindness can have on others.
I appreciate that Spiegel titled today's entry in her book "Pursue Your Own Best Life" (emphasis added). Only you can define what your best life is. But, if you're like me, it's helpful from time to time to take a peek at how someone else defines their best life in case you want to say, "I'll have what she's having."
