[2020-12-31] What I learned in 2020
In a year that has been described as an annus horribilis (a horrible year), there is still much good we can take from it. Here's what I learned in 2020.
Be nice.
The people you touch when you're healthy will be your cheerleaders when you're sick.
Say "I love you"—a lot
My husband and I have started a little game, which entails surprising each other with tender "I love you"s. Sometimes when my husband is flipping through channels, I'll say "Chris?" He'll pause, thinking that I have some serious question to ask him. And then I'll say, "I love you" in a sweet, soft voice. It always makes him laugh. Yesterday, when Chris was outside with our dog and I was sitting at the dining room table typing on my computer, he sent me a text: "Look out the back door. Don't stand up." I turned my head and saw him mime "I love you." Your loved ones will not tire of hearing that you love them.
Remember that you have more influence than you think
A friend sent me the quote reflected in the visual below. It's a reminder to never underestimate the influence we have on others. Someone went for a walk today because they were inspired by you. Someone was kinder to themselves because of a compliment you paid them. Someone looked at a situation with fresh eyes because you saw the silver lining in it.
Give others permission to feel all the feels
I am naturally upbeat, even in the face of adversity. But that's not true of everyone. And that's OK. I learned to give others the space to be sad or depressed or scared—especially in the face of something like cancer—without trying to get them to look on the bright side.
Do not define yourself by one thing
I learned this lesson in two ways. First, I learned that no one thing—even something potentially all-consuming like cancer—can define me. Second, I learned that no one thing—even something as important as being the head of health-related communications in the middle of a pandemic—should define me. It's very easy to allow one role, often our jobs, to dominate our focus and our time, but that's not healthy. We need balance across all our roles.
Let yourself be taken care of
Years ago, a colleague said, "I've always found that it's in the giving that I take"; in that context, she meant that she took the most as an employee when working on projects that demanded that she give a lot, such as effort, time and creativity. That notion applies equally well when we need to accept help from others, because in taking, we are actually giving. As I have taken the help of so many people who have reached out to me since I was diagnosed, I have given them sincere thanks. And that has rewarded both of us.
Read every chapter
On day four of this blog, a friend sent me a message that said, "You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character." Since my diagnosis, I've read every line, reflected on every word, followed every instruction, and met many people in the process—some whom I knew a little and now know a lot, and others whom I had never encountered before. In doing so, I saw beauty that overshadowed the pain. It's like when I look at a rose: I see the flower, not the thorn. While I know that the thorn of cancer is there, I see the flower of love, blooming in full glory.
Be positive anyway
While there is neither evidence that a negative attitude can cause cancer nor evidence that a positive attitude can increase the chances of beating it, I find that being positive anyway is the only thing that makes sense. I'm not positive because I think it will improve my prognosis (though many people believe that it absolutely does make a difference); I'm positive because it feels like I'm living even while facing a life-threatening disease.
Be the light
Early in this blog, I accepted a challenge to not only see the light but to be the light. If we can do that in a year that brought overwhelming workloads, a deadly disease and demoralizing isolation, then our contribution to our fellow citizens is immeasurable.
Live until you don't
I used to work with someone who said, "I'll trust you until I don't." To me, that meant that trust was his default; he started with trust and continued with trust unless and until he had some evidence that he shouldn't trust. With a slight modification, that seems like a good philosophy for life: "I'll live until I don't." The focus is on living, not dying. It's like what Snoopy said in response to Charlie Brown's pessimistic proclamation that we would all die someday: "True," Snoopy replied, "but on all the other days, we won't."
Throw that boomerang
I learned with my first blog, Café Jen, and rediscovered with Jenesis, that there's a boomerang effect with blogging—in fact, any form in which we put ourselves out there. Recommend a favourite quote, book, song or movie, and multiple suggestions come back. Tell a story about losing a brother, and receive several touching stories of grief and love lost. Share a health challenge, and get numerous perspectives on how others dealt with the same thing or something similar. At a time when many are feeling isolated, take the first step. Throw that boomerang: post on social media, drop cookies off on a neighbour's doorstep, text a friend. Your act of kindness will come back in wonderful, unexpected ways.
Be here now
In many of my posts, I've talked about living in the moment, voluntary simplicity and being here now, somewhere else later. While I haven't succeeded in implementing everything that I learned this year—I am, after all, a work in progress—I have gotten much better at being present. That comes, in part, from having the luxury of time. But it also comes from being intentional, that is, making a point to be present with the people I'm with.
Surround yourself with positive people
Whether you're facing a life-threatening illness or just trying to lead a more peaceful life, surround yourself with positive people. If you don’t have many positive people in your life, find positive resources, such as music that improves your mood, a pet who brings you joy, and inspirational books or quotes that lift your spirits.
Remember that "there is more love in this world than you could possibly imagine"
That quote is from the wonderful book The Boy, the Mole, The Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. As difficult as 2020 was and as negative as the news stories were, we shouldn't lose sight of all the love that we encountered this year and take with us into 2021. I love this quote from the book:
"I've realised why we are here," whispered the boy.
"For cake?" asked the mole.
"To love," said the boy.
"And to be loved," said the horse.
Tomorrow, I will share my wishes for 2021, but today, I focus on all the good I took from 2020 and the beautiful lessons I learned along the way. May you find the good in your year as well.
