[2021-01-22] Whoever starts the conversation sets the tone
I bought a food processor a couple of years ago. It wasn't expensive and it generally worked well, but the handle was flimsy. It fell apart today. My husband's instinct was to throw out the whole appliance and buy a new one. I held out hope that I could get a replacement handle, which was all that was wrong with the unit.
So I contacted the manufacturer. The woman I spoke to said that I was past the warranty period and that I couldn't order just the handle. She quoted me a price for a replacement bowl and handle that was almost the price I had paid originally for the entire food processor. I said that it wasn't worth my paying as much to replace part of the unit when I could buy an entirely new one, though I did point out that it wouldn't be from that manufacturer.
I was polite throughout the encounter, but communicated that the handle of the unit was poorly constructed and that I was hoping that the company would replace the item at no cost to me. Towards the end of the conversation, the agent put me on hold, then returned a minute or so later to say that she would be shipping me a replacement bowl and handle at no cost. I was thrilled and expressed my sincere appreciation.
This exchange reminded me of a blog post I had written in 2016 called "whoever starts the conversation sets the tone." In it, I noted that when I Googled that precise phrase, I got four results. Four! Fast forward four years and I still get only four results, one of which is a tweet linking to my original blog post.
When I came across the phrase in 2016 in an article about emotional intelligence, it sounded like a truism that could have been uttered many times before, along the lines of "what goes around comes around" (5,000,000+ results in a Google search) or "you reap what you sow" (750,000+ results).
I'm not sure why "whoever starts the conversation sets the tone" has never taken off. To me, it's a simple statement reminding us that our approach often triggers the response we get.
I am always astounded when I see people speak to others in anger only to be taken aback when they encounter anger in return. I saw this many times as a director of client services. What I witnessed, again and again, was that anger wasn't just matched, it was escalated.
The article's author, Justin Bariso, notes that while "[p]assion and anger can help us to stand up for what is right or fight against what is wrong, those qualities can also be destructive and hurt our cause in the end." Contacting a company and blasting the agent for disappointing service may feel good momentarily, but doing so may result in our getting worse service than if we had approached the conversation with understanding and curiosity.
As an occasional arbiter in disagreements between my children, I often call out the one whose tone has set off the argument. And as a frequent sounding board for my husband when he's upset about a service he's received or a product he's purchased, I always remind him that he'll get better results if he opens the conversation in a calm manner.
These days, my few interactions with people outside my home are with healthcare professionals. In every conversation, I try to strike a positive tone. They have a tough job, and my smile and note of appreciation might be just the lift they need to get them through their day.
