[2021-01-25] Courage

I woke up early this morning and never went back to sleep. I started reading the news, which led to a story on cancer and subsequently to references to ovarian cancer recurrence. It all left me feeling a little down.

After a walk in the woods with my husband, I still felt gloomy, like the weather.

So I picked up my copy of The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse and reread it. It always lifts my spirits, and today was no exception. The first exchange that stood out for me was this one:

"Do you have a favourite saying?" asked the boy.
"Yes" said the mole.
"What is it?"
"If at first you don't succeed, have some cake."
"I see, does it work?"
"Every time."

I didn't have cake in the house, but I did have homemade squares (Triple Layer Bars). Normally, I reserve sweets for an after-dinner treat with tea. But I decided to follow the mole's advice; I had a small square. It did make me feel better. It was a small kindness that I paid to myself—the beginning of a shift in my mood, however slight.

I was next struck by passages that confirmed the wisdom of my sharing how I feel:

"When have you been at your strongest?" asked the boy.
[Horse] "When I have dared to show my weakness."

"Everyone is a bit scared," said the horse. "But we are less scared together."

[Boy] "Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid."

Many people tell me that I am brave to tell my story. It's easy to share happy or neutral news, even photos showing my hair loss. But it does take courage to admit when I'm feeling sad or scared or tired. I've always been the person who is strong when others are feeling weak, positive when others are feeling negative, energetic when others are feeling spent. Still, a wise friend wrote to me the other day, "you don't have to be strong all the time." He's right, and that sentiment is echoed in this text:

"What do we do when our hearts hurt?" asked the boy.
[Horse] "We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again."

Time has always been a great healer for me. I know—even when I'm feeling discouraged—that I will bounce back in a few hours or a day. In fact, I began to feel better over the course of writing this post. That's why I hesitated to share this writing. I don't want people to worry about me, or to be concerned when they read this at some point in the future, when I will no doubt once again be feeling my old, optimistic self.

While this is not a typical post for me, I think there is value in acknowledging that I do have my moments of melancholy. Admitting this may make it easier for readers to believe me when I say that I'm generally doing well.

And in case I worried that this post would be of less interest to my readers than my uplifting pieces, this text allayed that fear:

"The fox never really speaks," whispered the boy.
"No. And it's lovely he is with us," said the horse.
"To be honest, I often feel I have nothing interesting to say," said the fox.
"Being honest is always interesting," said the horse.

I took solace in the reminder that life has its ups and downs:

"The greatest illusion," said the mole, "is that life should be perfect."

And then I remembered what someone had written to me yesterday: "Not everyone gets to ring that bell." I did, and I'm grateful for it.

I conclude this reflection with these powerful statements from the horse:

"When the dark clouds come...keep going."

"This storm will pass."

"Sometimes just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent."

I will not give up. I will carry on. I will awake hopeful and happy again.