[2021-02-20] Making the best

I had limited energy today. Aside from a walk with my husband for some fresh air and meals at the kitchen table, I've spent the day on the couch.

This afternoon, I finished reading a book of quotes about the meaning of life. Among the passages that stood out was this one from actress and comedian Gilda Radner:

I've learned what I can control is whether I am going to live a day in fear and depression and panic, or whether I am going to attack the day and make it feel as good a day, as wonderful a day, as I can.

My spending the day on the couch might not sound like attacking the day and making it feel as wonderful as possible, but I think it is. I was warm and comfortable, with books to read and a tablet to write with at my fingertips, and a warm decaf latté at my elbow.

I am lucky that I can feel physically ill but mentally well at the same time. The fatigue and nausea I am experiencing are less bothersome than what I felt after chemotherapy. If my current state persists for a month, as predicted, it will be like a repeat of six rounds of five pyjama days after each treatment, stretched end to end. Still, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I am being well cared for in the meantime, for which I am grateful.

Radner's quote is from her memoir, It's Always Something, which details her own battle with, and ultimate death from, ovarian cancer. There was a time, earlier in my treatment, when hearing about the death of someone from ovarian cancer would have been upsetting. But I've come to realize that every person's story is unique. Radner wrote:

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

I, too, want the perfect ending. But I agree with Radner that Life is about not knowing, and, more importantly, it's about taking the moment and making the best of it.

Today, my best was a self-indulgent snuggle on the couch.