[2021-03-24] Words
A friend sent me this quote the other day and it has been lingering in my mind ever since: "You never know how long your words will stay in someone's mind even long after you've forgotten you spoke them."
When I first read the quote, I thought immediately of positive comments—loving, generous and complimentary statements.
But after some reflection, I thought that the quote could just as easily refer to negative assertions—mean, critical and inconsiderate remarks.
In responding to my friend, I wondered what it said about me that my first reaction to the quote was to see it in its most positive light. I was curious as to how other people would interpret the sentence's meaning.
Of course, there's no right or wrong answer.
In my experience, positive comments are like statements whispered in a dream. The words are fleeting and the details are forgotten far too quickly. Often, I'm left with only a general impression of the observation—a warmth that makes me feel good about myself and the person who uttered the comments. It's like Maya Angelou said: "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
Negative remarks, by contrast, are like a bee's sting. I remember the exact words, who said them, where I was, and the hurt that I felt. I remember the insults or careless statements—word for word—months and years later.
I take two lessons from the quote. We should:
- Sprinkle our conversations with sincere compliments. The impact we have may be greater than we will ever know.
- Think twice about how we provide critiques and even bad news. We could wound someone in a way that they will never forget.
I've always liked the use of THINK as an acronym, based on five questions to consider before speaking or writing:
- T—Is it true? Is it a fact or an opinion?
- H—Is it helpful? Will saying it help me, the other person or the situation?
- I—Is it inspiring? Does it improve on the silence?
- N—Is it necessary? Would this be better left unsaid?
- K—Is it kind? What is my motivation for communicating?
Use of the acronym doesn't mean we can't share opinions or provide constructive feedback or share bad news. But if our motivation is to be helpful and kind, we're more likely to succeed in delivering opinions, feedback and bad news if we do it in a way that leaves the recipient feeling prepared and supported.
I remember advising a young employee that she should rid her vocabulary of an overused and misused expression. It was an off-the-cuff remark on my part, but I could see that it bothered her. I should have apologized immediately—I don't know why I didn't. I felt increasingly remorseful, and made a point to speak to her as soon as I could. I apologized profusely. The employee acknowledged that she had reacted the way she did in part because a loved one was ill and she was already feeling vulnerable. Either way, I took full responsibility for the pain I had caused.
Since then, I've tried to immediately set things right if I say something, even as a joke, that makes someone feel hurt. It doesn't matter what else is going on in that person's life. If I contribute, even to a small extent, to someone's having a bad day, I want to rectify that. And, of course, I try not to wound others in the first place.
I would much rather be remembered as a person who said something kind, thoughtful and complimentary.
