[2021-03-29] Listen with your eyes
Today, I came across a blog post I had written a few years ago that included this advice from a colleague: "Learn to listen with your eyes."
His declaration made a big impression on me at the time and did so again today.
There are many reasons to listen with our eyes. Perhaps the most important is to communicate that we are attending to what the other person is saying. I remember having conversations with one man years ago who paid such close attention to our conversation that I felt like I was the only person in the room.
It's often more obvious than we think when we're not paying attention. I came across a cute story that illustrated this well. A father chose to work from home when his daughter was young so that he could meet her at the bus each day and walk home with her. He recounts:
Most days, I could afford to dedicate attention to her kindergarten stories and adventures. However, one day, I had a very important project consuming my attention. I barely acknowledged Lauren during the walk home. As I got her settled in the room next to mine, my attention was elsewhere.
After a few disingenuous "Uh huhs," "that’s nices," and "good for yous," I noticed her monologue had stopped. Before I could look over to ensure she hadn’t gotten into something, I felt her hands hold my cheeks and turn my head toward her while saying, "No Daddy, listen with your eyes."
I used to do something similar with my son when he was little and not hearing me. I would take his little face in my hands, wait for him to look at me and then say, "Shane, we're leaving in five minutes."
Another reason to listen with our eyes is to pick up on the other person's non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, head movements and body posture. Watching what people do, not simply what they say, can tell us a lot about whether they understand or are confused, whether they agree or disagree with us, and—perhaps most important—whether they've misinterpreted or been offended by something we've said. By paying attention not only when we're listening but also when we're talking, we can check that the other person is following us, ask questions to determine where they might disagree, and apologize quickly if we've upset them.
My colleague's statement also reminded me of the need to put away my devices so that I can give the other person my full attention. It's all part of being present in the moment and with the people I care about.
