[2021-04-02] Habits

I did something today that I haven't done in many years: I made a layer cake. It's Chris' birthday, and I thought he deserved a homemade chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting. In fact, we all deserved the treat.

Coincidentally, one of the writing prompts I came across today in 642 Things to Write About was quite fitting: "What you used to do that you don't do anymore."

I immediately thought about bad habits that we've left behind. But my daughter thought about good habits that we no longer do but wish we did. Either way, it proved to be an interesting exercise.

So, for better or for worse, here is my list of things I used to do but don't anymore:
  • Defining myself by my job. Fighting cancer has a way of putting a spotlight on what's important. For the past eight months, I've focused on my health and my family.
  • Believing I'm not enough. Perhaps like many girls, I used to think I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough. Enough for what, you ask? Why enough to be loved, of course. Through reading, writing and repeating every day "I am loving and lovable; my life is filled with love," I started to change my view. I remember being told years ago that my smile was beautiful. That was at about the time that I started to believe that just being me was more than enough.
  • Thinking that I needed to be tough to be a boss. Fortunately, I didn't hold this view for long. When I became a director in the late '90s, I had few female role models. My female colleagues were, for the most part, tough as nails. I found that a more empathic approach not only worked better for me and my staff, but was also supported by my male bosses.
  • Worrying what other people think. Maybe I haven't completely given this up, but I do worry much less about this than I used to. I'm not embarrassed to live in a small house and to drive an older car. I don't worry about having gray hair (or no hair, for that matter) and a lumpy, bumpy belly and imperfect teeth and crappy eye sight. These things don't matter when you believe that you, not your possessions or your appearance, are what people love.
  • Listening to one type of music. The older I get, the more varied my music tastes become. Having a subscription to a music service enables me to discover all sorts of music, and is my best investment in entertainment.
  • Going to bed late. Since I've been dealing with cancer, I find that I'm exhausted by 10:00 p.m. So that has become my new bedtime, which I prefer to going to bed past midnight. Early to bed means early to rise.
  • Mourning the end of a relationship. I used to feel bad when a relationship ended or a friendship petered out. But I came to understand that people would come and go from my life as I moved through different schools, workplaces and communities. More importantly, I learned recently that friendships can be reignited just by my reaching out.
  • Focusing on the future. This continues to be a challenge, but I am working hard to focus on today without worrying what tomorrow will bring.
  • Playing. As a kid, I played a lot. My life was balanced among school, work and play. As I got older, though, I had less and less time for play. I hope to play more in the future.
  • Speaking French every day. I've fallen out of practice in speaking French since I've been away from the office. I'd like to get back into the habit of speaking French regularly.
  • Being impatient. OK, I lied. I'm still impatient, or so my son would have me believe. I'm like Impatient Cow. You don't know Impatient Cow? Let me introduce you. I say, "Knock, knock." You say, "Who's there?" I say, "Impatient Cow" and before you can say "Impatient Cow who?" I blurt out "Moo!" I'm working on curbing my impatient tendencies.
Tonight, my daughter suggested that we play a game as a family, in celebration of Chris' birthday. So we pulled out The Ultimate Generation Quiz: Baby Boomers vs. Millennials, which we hadn't played since Christmas. It was a fun post-dinner, post-cake activity, especially since Chris and I finally won against Melanie and Shane.

It's helpful to think about things we no longer do, whether to pat ourselves on the back for relinquishing self-defeating practices or to remind ourselves of past habits that we'd like to reclaim.

While I won't be making it a habit to bake a chocolate layer cake with buttercream frosting, it was a special way to say, "I love you" to Chris and a perfect opportunity to get back into something I used to enjoy.