[2021-04-05] Critics

An Italian proverb says: "The person who offends writes as if it was written on sand, and the person who is offended reads it as if it were written on marble."

In other words, those who offend others may think that their statements will be quickly forgotten, like words written on sand that are washed away by the rising tide. But those who are offended may feel that those same words are engraved in marble, to be remembered forever.

We are programmed to focus on the negative, such as threats, critiques and bad news, often to the exclusion of encouragement, praise and good news. Many of us take criticism to heart, acting as though it were true. But much criticism isn't truth—it's opinion masquerading as fact.

I have always found that the most stinging observation is the one I believe myself. If I'm uncertain about my parenting skills, a comment about the way I'm raising my child will stay with me for days. But if I'm confident in my abilities as a leader, a critique about the way I manage my team will be more easily ignored. So if I find myself dwelling on a criticism, I'll take it as a sign that I need to build myself up to counter the other person's effort to tear me down. I try not to allow my inner voice to echo my critic's hurtful comments.

In his blog post Haters and Critics: How to Deal with People Judging You and Your Work, Atomic Habits author James Clear writes: "For one reason or another, someone will find a reason to project their insecurities, their negativity, and their fears onto you and your life, and you’ll have to deal with it."

In the face of negative judgement, it can help to remember that such hostility often says more about the other person than it does about you. As Clear points out, it can reflect the speaker's own insecurities, negativity and fear. The person who criticizes my parenting may be far less confident in their own competence as a parent than they would care to admit. And the person who questions my leadership may be second-guessing their own choices in life, perhaps wishing that they had become a leader themselves.

Of course, not all criticism is designed to be hurtful. In fact, a well-timed comment can be the proverbial equivalent of telling someone they have parsley in their teeth, in other words, giving them feedback they can use to improve. But it's helpful to distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism. The former says, "we're on the same team"; the latter says "my team is better than yours."

And then there are the people who see it as their role to judge others. Marketing expert and author Seth Godin puts it well when he says: "Most people have been brainwashed into believing that their job is to copyedit the world, not to design it."

So the next time you're smarting from something someone said, ask yourself:
  • Is this person projecting their insecurities onto me?
  • Is what this person said helpful?
  • Can I use the feedback to improve?
  • Is it fact or opinion?
  • Do I believe it?
If you conclude that the comments don't have merit, see them as written on sand and allow the next wave to wash them out to sea.