[2021-04-13] Tests and fears
I had a mammogram this morning and have an MRI scheduled for this evening, almost precisely 12 hours apart.
If you're willing to take appointments on short notice, you can sometimes get tests done very quickly. I was contacted yesterday to schedule a mammogram and chose the first available appointment, which was this morning. And I was contacted this morning to schedule an MRI and, once again, took the first available appointment, which was this evening at 9:00 p.m.
And thanks to modern technology, I already have the results of my mammogram. Just five hours after undergoing the procedure, the results showed up in MyChart: normal. Phew!
My next mammogram will be in a year. That's reassuring since my BRCA2 status means that I should have a mammogram and MRI every year, yet my last mammogram was almost a year and a half ago. I've never had a breast MRI, and am looking forward to having that test and its results behind me.
A woman who was recently diagnosed with cancer contacted me the other day, acknowledging that she is gripped by fear and self-doubt. These feelings are normal, I replied. I also admitted that I face fear and self-doubt myself.
In fact, I have more fear now than I did a few weeks ago. In addition to worrying about the possibility of a recurrence of ovarian cancer, I now fret that I will develop breast cancer given that I am a carrier of the BRCA2 gene change. It can all feel very overwhelming.
It's important that we be honest with ourselves about how we're feeling so that we don't simply send negative emotions underground where they will fester and manifest in other ways, such as physical pain or anger.
It's also important to recognize that fear can be a helpful motivator. It can prompt us to seek testing and to do so as quickly as possible so as to allay our fears. It can also inspire us to live every day to its fullest, knowing that the future is not guaranteed.
That said, I don't like to remain mired in fear for too long. Fear is almost always about the future and if I'm focusing on the future, I'm not living today.
This morning, I found myself repeating a line that a breast cancer survivor passed along to me: "Do you die while you are yet alive." In other words, don't forego today's blessings worrying about tomorrow's misfortunes.
