[2021-04-14] Processing emotions
Facing an illness such as cancer brings up a range of emotions: fear, worry, sadness, loss, nervousness, relief, love, appreciation, compassion. It takes effort to process all the feelings that arise through the various stages of the disease—from diagnosis, through treatment, to remission.
The importance of processing emotions came up in a conversation today. I nodded, as though I knew what "processing emotions" meant when, in truth, I was fuzzy on the concept. So later in the day, I googled the expression. My favourite definition of processing emotions was understanding, making sense of and dealing with emotions in healthy and productive ways.
One of the most interesting resources I came across in my research was the video How to Process Your Emotions by The School of Life.
The video asserts that we do not fully acknowledge, understand or even truly feel every emotion we experience. We ignore many worries, which leads to a powerful sense of "directionless anxiety."
A reluctance to face our emotions leads some of us to stay obsessively busy, to fear spending time alone, or to engage in activities that allow us to avoid our feelings, such as compulsive exercise. We may numb ourselves chemically or adopt a "non-specific tone of cynicism," which masks the specific wound that we have experienced.
We pay a price for failing to process our feelings. For example, we can no longer sleep as all the thoughts that we have omitted to process during the day come back to haunt us at night. "We grow depressed about everything because we cannot be sad about something."
Common to all of these statements is the notion of a general despair—directed at nothing and everything—that sets in when we avoid the specific concern that is causing us pain. I related to the idea of directionless anxiety, non-specific tone of cynicism, and depression about everything. Sometimes, I'll find myself feeling generally unwell without being able to put my finger on the specific issue. In those cases, I'll cast my mind back to when I felt good so that I can pinpoint, and deal with, the incident that brought me down.
The video makes another important statement about why we struggle to face our feelings. "We avoid processing emotions because what we feel is so contrary to our self-image, so threatening to our society's ideas of normality and so at odds with who we would really like to be."
Before my cancer diagnosis, I always thought of myself as invincible. I could push myself—emotionally and physically—to do the impossible, to work long hours, to be there for everyone but myself. Once diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I realized that my life might not be the long and healthy one I had imagined. Talk about an emotion that was contrary to my self-image...a feeling at odds with who I wanted to be.
The video concludes that while processing our emotions can lift our mood, "we must pay for our self-awareness with a period of mourning in which we gradually acknowledge that, in some area or other, life is simply a lot sadder than we would want it to be."
That statement reminded me of something my very astute family doctor said to me at the beginning of my cancer journey: "Allow yourself to be upset and sad and grieve the loss of your perfect health."
Having cancer has made me feel sad, fearful, worried, nervous, and like I have lost so much. But it has also made me feel incredibly loved and loving, tremendously appreciated and appreciative, and immensely relieved at every glimmer of good news.
Despite the video's title, it focused more on why to process emotions than on how to do so. Consequently, I will continue to search for resources that will help me in processing emotions. I welcome any suggestions you have.
