[2021-05-22] Moments between moments
Today, I came across the writings of Ryan Holiday, a writer and media strategist with 10 books to his credit. In his blog post There's No Such Thing as 'Quality' Time, he describes an exchange he had with Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. Holiday had just gotten married and his career was taking off so he asked the coach, who had been married for 40 years, how coaches managed to find time for a personal life while working such insane hours. Carroll replied, "You have to find the moments between moments." I would interpret this as finding the ordinary instances between the extraordinary occasions.
Holiday writes that the drive to spend "quality time" with loved ones often leads to disappointment. "The perfectionist side of our brain, fueled by movies and Instagram, wants everything to be special, to be 'right.' But that’s an ideal that the busy, ordinary, doing-the-best-we-can versions of ourselves can’t always live up to," he insists. Feeling guilty, we try to plan elaborate vacations and events. But in our efforts to create quality time, we can miss the special moments that emerge naturally.
Time spent chauffeuring kids is an example of an ordinary moment. Holiday says, "I’ve never understood parents who complain about 'being a chauffeur' to their kids." While he acknowledges that it can be a pain to drive your kid to daycare, school, an appointment or a friend's house, he suggests, "instead of seeing the drive as an obligation or an inconvenience, why not choose to see it as a gift? A moment between moments."
One of those moments between moments for our family happened a few years ago when we got caught in traffic on Montreal's Pont Champlain. We spent three hours crawling through construction, trying to make our way past an accident, and hoping that our bladders would hold out long enough to make it to the next exit. I don't remember exactly how we passed the time, but I do recall that we complained and laughed and swore. This ordinary moment became an extraordinary one in our shared memories—at least as memorable as the concert we were en route to see, namely, Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Doobie Brothers in Burlington, Vermont.
Something special happens when parents and children spend time together in vehicles, says Holiday. "Kids will share things in the car they wouldn’t say anywhere else. Better yet, when their friends are in the car too, you fade into the background and suddenly you can watch how your kid is with other people." What a positive way to view the time spent shuttling kids around.
Holiday concludes his post by saying, "All time with your kids—all time with anyone you love—is created equal. What you do with it is what makes it special. Not where. Or for how long. Or at what cost."
This is my view as well. My son, daughter and I have made it a Saturday morning habit of going to a local park to throw around a Frisbee. My husband and I have started playing the daily Readers Digest Canada crossword puzzle before or after watching Jeopardy. My mom calls me every day to talk about our respective days. My sister's socially distanced visits in my backyard have helped keep me sane in the midst of COVID and cancer treatments.
These simple moments in daily life are the things I remember—often long after I've forgotten the details of the big occasions.
