[2021-05-29] Reciprocity guilt
I have been the beneficiary of huge amounts of generosity over the past nine months, and, for the most part, I have accepted all this kindness with serene gratitude.
But that's not always the case—for me or for some others I know. We sometimes experience guilt because we believe that we're not reciprocating someone else's thoughtfulness in the same way or at the same pace.
I've dubbed this "reciprocity guilt." And I've decided that life is too short to feel bad when we deserve to feel good.
While I recognize that lasting relationships involve a fairly balanced give and take, most of us give without an expectation of receiving something in return immediately or in equal measure.
And yet, many of us feel guilty when someone gives us something that we believe we don't merit or haven't earned, or when we conclude that we're not repaying the other person sufficiently for what they are giving to us.
Sometimes this issue arises when we can't match the other person's particular gift. Maybe they are more artistic or talented or rich than we are, which can result in our feeling like a second-rate friend.
But a solid relationship is not built on a tit-for-tat dynamic.
In my marriage, for example, I bake and Chris cooks. I plan; he executes. I do paperwork; he chauffeurs. While we occasionally switch roles, we each appreciate the other for our respective talents and probably say silently, "thank goodness he/she takes care of that." We also don't keep score.
For those of us who suffer from reciprocity guilt, here are three suggestions for how to deal with this emotion:
- Show gratitude. Rather than feel bad when a friend gives us what we perceive to be more than we are giving them in return, we could give back by offering a sincere and unqualified thank you. Doing so can trigger a helper's high in our friend—that warm feeling that comes from being kind to another human being.
- Recognize diverse talents. We can acknowledge that not all gifts are tangible and remind ourselves of our own talents and how we use them to benefit others. Maybe we're a great listener, or the person who's always up for a spontaneous trip, or someone who makes our friend laugh. These gifts can be just as gratifying as a box of cookies or a bouquet of flowers.
- Pay it forward. It's not always necessary to give back to the person who gave to us. For example, I'm happy to mentor people, with no expectation of a return. I ask only that they pay it forward, which could be as simple as their mentoring someone else.
One final thought: when I receive a gift from a friend, I often want to reciprocate so that I can give my friend the same joy that they gave to me. When I'm excited and happy about using my talents to help another person, this is a good thing. But when I'm feeling bad because I didn't give to the other person when they gave to me, that's reciprocity guilt. On such occasions, I try to remind myself that my guilt shouldn't rob my friend of their giver's glow. I try to recall all the ways that I support my friend beyond physical gifts. And I try to remember the gifts I've given to others and think about ways that I will pay it forward in future.
