[2021-07-30] Joyfear
"If I offer, will you accept?" The offer was from a prospective boss for a job that I wanted. The question was one that filled me simultaneously with joy and fear.
Having worked hard to win the job, I was thrilled to get the offer. But I was also afraid. Would I do well? Would I like the people I worked with? Would I get along with the new boss?
I spent the next 24 hours considering the pros and cons of the new job versus the one I had. I ultimately accepted the offer. In retrospect, I can’t believe that it took me so long to decide. The job turned out to be a great experience. I clicked with the boss, found wonderful colleagues and staff, and learned a lot. But, of course, I didn’t know that such would be the case at the moment of the offer.
Some years later, I stumbled on a word that captured the feeling of being concurrently happy and afraid. Zen Habits blogger Leo Babauta called it joyfear. He described experiencing joyfear at every defining moment in his life: when his first child was born, when he embarked on his first marathon, when he quit his day job to become self-employed, when he moved his family from Guam to San Francisco, and when he published his first book. He explained:
Having only joy is great. Having only fear sucks. But having both … that’s life-defining.
Do not shy away from Joyfear. Seek it out. Recognize it when you happen upon it. Joyfear will change your life, and you’ll never forget the moment you find it.
With just about every job offer during my career, I experienced joyfear: happiness at having succeeded or having been offered a new opportunity, coupled with trepidation at the change it would entail. I also experienced joyfear when I went to university, when I found out I was pregnant with my son, when Chris and I bought a house, when I started a two-year learning program for directors general in the Public Service, when we adopted our dog Freddie, when I launched my blogs, and when I decided to retire.
Like Babauta, I have found that most moments of joyfear lead to life-changing experiences. In every case, my life was enriched by the experience or I learned something that positioned me for a future opportunity. I expect this to once again be true as I transition to retirement.
I am fortunate to have rarely felt only fear. The most notable exception was learning that I had ovarian cancer. And though I could not know it at the time, my year of dealing with cancer has brought a lot of joy, more than you might expect for someone facing a life-threatening illness. I found joy in supportive healthcare professionals, in every little victory and every shred of good news, and in the kindness and generosity of family, friends and strangers.
Today, a family member moved to the other side of the country. I imagine that she is experiencing her own version of joyfear. While she has no doubt had her moments of apprehension, I am sure that she is experiencing joy as well. I'm confident that this new start will bring her wonder and delight.
The boss who made me the offer some 13 years ago turned out to be one of my favourite bosses and one of my favourite people. We had fallen out of touch after he retired, but when I learned about my cancer diagnosis last year, I reached out to him. Our renewed friendship brings me much joy.
