[2021-10-02] Likeable people
On a recent walk with my kids, my daughter used the expression "Likeable people like people." That resonated with me. Not only did it feel true, but it was also easy to remember. People who like others are interested and therefore interesting. They show genuine concern for others. They focus on people and situations beyond themselves.
I thought about that expression again on this morning's walk with my children, but with a twist: "Likeable people like themselves." Liking oneself is as big a determinant of one's charm as liking others. People who like themselves are confident, humble and self-deprecating. They focus less on proving themselves and more on supporting others. And they don't take themselves too seriously.
The most life-determining thing I've ever done was to learn to love myself. As I've shared before, in my late teens and early twenties, I read books on self-esteem and engaged in what was then called "the journey within"―introspection to understand what I thought, felt and believed about myself.
Like many young people, and especially young women, I believed that I was unattractive, uninteresting and just plain not enough.
With time, I would learn that I was attractive―perhaps not when measured against the fake standard of airbrushed faces in magazines, but certainly when measured against the genuine standard of basic human decency. I would learn that I was interesting; in fact, the more interest I showed in others, the more interest they showed in me. And I would learn that I was enough: enough to be a loving wife and mother, a respected leader, a cancer survivor, and an influential writer.
This evening, I read an interesting article by British psychologist Mandy Kloppers on the traits of highly likeable people. Among other things, Kloppers asserts that "Highly likeable people genuinely like people" and "Highly likeable people like themselves." Here is a summary of the key traits Kloppers suggests that likeable people possess:
- Sincerely interested in others. Likeable people genuinely want to know other people's stories. They are curious about others. When they connect with an individual, they treat them as though they were the only person in the room. They are good at making other people feel special.
- Non-judgemental. Likeable people live and let live. They appreciate others' beliefs and don't try to foist theirs upon them. They respect diversity and are open-minded.
- Optimistic. Likeable people view other people and situations in a positive light. They express enthusiasm for new ideas, not cynicism or negativity. They have a "can do" attitude.
- Confident. Likeable people like themselves. They are not constantly seeking approval from others. They worry less about how they are perceived and therefore can focus more on others. They are more adept at controlling their insecurities and less likely to get defensive than non-confident people. They do not feel the need to prove themselves or to always be right.
- Real. Likeable people are real. They show their weaknesses and don't feel the need to appear superhuman. They admit their failings and their mistakes. They accept themselves as they are. They are authentic.
- Good at listening. Likeable people know how to listen to others. They do not approach conversations with preconceived ideas or, if they do, they keep them on the back burner. They respect others' ideas and encourage them to express their views. They nurture conversations and support others in their growth.
My kids are often a source of inspiration. And walks have a way of bringing out our most creative thoughts. "Likeable people like people" and "likeable people like themselves" are two of the best ideas that have come up on my walk in a long time.
