[2021-10-10] Accepting reality
Today was good for my mental health. I took a walk with my son, did an errand with my daughter, and went with my husband, kids and Freddie to Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's. It was the first holiday we have celebrated indoors in almost two years. I am grateful that we are a fully vaccinated family, which facilitated our getting together.
I thought about mental health today given that October 10 is World Mental Health Day—a day designated by the World Health Organization to "raise awareness of mental health issues around the world and to mobilize efforts in support of mental health."
We can each support the mental health of those around us and of ourselves by being kind, generous, understanding, respectful and accepting.
Acceptance is an interesting concept. This morning, I read a fascinating article in the Harvard Business Review entitled Good Leaders Know You Can’t Fight Reality. In the article, consultant and author Scott Edinger argues that:
The ability to accept reality is one of the most useful, and most misunderstood, skills for a leader. It’s a concept that has been around for centuries in philosophy and more recently in psychology, and properly applied can help drive change. As Carl Jung wrote, "We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
Edinger believes that leaders are not applying acceptance as much as they should be in their efforts to achieve results. He contrasts Steve Jobs, who had a reputation of pushing people to do the impossible, with Jack Welsh, who said, "Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be."
Facing reality is the first step to changing it. Edinger comments:
The amount of time, effort, and energy I see wasted by leaders as they argue and fight about reality is astonishing. It takes courage to accept reality as it is, and only then can you and your team begin to make changes.
He offers three areas in which leaders can demonstrate acceptance:
- Accepting results. Leaders who don't accept results as they are, says Edinger, are not likely to move forward or to move their teams forward. Accepting results is not about pretending that a bad result is good. It is about seeing a bad result for what it is and then deciding what can be done to change, fix or improve the current reality.
- Accepting circumstances. "As leaders, we often face circumstances that are beyond our control," writes Edinger. Effective leaders let go of the idea that they can control everything and resist acting on every negative thought or feeling. Edinger advises: "acceptance gives you power to move forward in the most effective way possible instead of waging a futile battle against circumstances you can’t control."
- Accepting their own failings and those of others. Competent leaders examine and accept their own role in the results achieved by their organization. Regarding others, Edinger states: "We must also accept others as they are, and make choices based on the real person, not who we wish they’d become."
As a leader, particularly in my last role, I accepted many things: stellar results as well as occasional misses, circumstances within my control as well as situations beyond my control, and extraordinary performance as well as best efforts that nevertheless missed the mark. Whenever we as a team fell short of where we needed to be, I tried to acknowledge, if only to myself, my own shortcomings—such as providing insufficient or unclear direction—and to roll up my sleeves to work with employees to get initiatives back on track. And I tried to remain grateful and to show gratitude for the efforts my employees put in day after day to deliver the impossible and the unreasonable. I believe that this approach contributed to everyone's mental health—mine as much as my employees'.
Perhaps without realizing it, I followed the acceptance approach in my recent health battles. A good example of that was my acceptance of the result of my genetic testing, even if it took a few days. It was initially difficult to accept that I have a gene mutation that not only led to my ovarian cancer but also puts me at increased risk of developing other cancers. As I wrote in April when I revealed my Genetic testing results,
I was initially saddened when I got my genetic testing results, but I've had a few weeks to come to terms with the information. My test results didn't change the reality that I've had the BRCA gene change since birth; they simply provided me with information that I can use to make decisions regarding additional breast screening and potential preventive surgery.
After a short period of grieving what felt like another setback, I decided to focus on what I could control. I have since had a series of conversations with both healthcare professionals and people who faced similar circumstances to come up with a way forward. As my son often says to himself when in a difficult situation: "This sucks. Now what are you going to do about it?"
As this World Mental Health Day comes to a close, I encourage you to see acceptance of results, circumstances, yourself and others as a necessary step in the process of changing what you can and letting go of what you can't. Doing so is good for your mental health.
