[2021-10-13] Kindness with a backbone

A friend wrote to me today after she had read this CBC article by writer Janice Quirt: I Don’t Buy The Idea That Women Need To Enforce ‘Positive Rudeness’ To Succeed. My friend told me:

Have had two bosses tell me that I am "too nice" and it annoyed me (those weren't compliments, but rather "maybe you should reflect on this" moments). Have been thinking about this recently and discussed with a former boss/mentor (very successful/now retired lawyer and head of agency) a few days ago, who doesn't buy into the need for "positive rudeness". I have to say that I have come around a bit over the past few years—I still like to think that I am polite, friendly and respectful (!), but I am more assertive (which is not at all my nature).

I hadn't heard of "positive rudeness" before my friend's email. Sounds like an oxymoron, I thought. I replied to my friend:

I'm not sure what is meant by "positive rudeness," but rudeness is rudeness. I don't think that prettying it up with the word "positive" makes any difference. In my book, rudeness is rarely required and rarely effective. I like nice people; we need more of them, not fewer.

Genesis of "positive rudeness"

So where did the term "positive rudeness" come from? Quirt explains in her article that:

It's a concept written about by journalist Rebecca Reid, and it suggests that a woman be more assertive. Which, as a suggestion, isn't really that flawed.

But as I read more about "positive rudeness," one key message is becoming clear to me: nice women finish last.

I'm OK with assertiveness expressed by women and even applaud it when used in appropriate circumstances, but that's a far cry from advocating for rudeness as a basic operating principle. And, like Quirt, I don't believe that nice women finish last.

I was curious to find out what Rebecca Reid really meant by the term. One of the first pages I came to after googling "Rebecca Reid positive rudeness" was a summary of her book: Rude: Stop Being Nice and Start Being Bold. It appears that Reid was motivated to write the book after this defining moment: "During a TV interview with a comedian, Rebecca Reid found herself unable to get a word in edgewise. So, when she put her finger to her lips and shushed him, she became instantly known on the internet as 'Rebecca Rude.' It was only then that she realized that being rude could actually be her superpower." (If not a superpower, then at least a ticket to a book deal.) I don't discount Reid's assertion that "ambitious women are often perceived as rude" but I do question the premise of the book, which is to provide advice on "how the power of rudeness can be harnessed in relationships, in bed, at work, and in everyday life." (Good grief!) The synopsis explains that the book draws on examples such as Princess Margaret, Taylor Swift and Meghan Markle, explaining "how those women used their 'rudeness' to get what they want—and deserve—out of life."

The rest of the book outline was more of the same. Suffice it to say that it didn't inspire me to want to read this how-to manual. But I did concede that I might be judging a book by its cover—or, in this case, by its title. So I clicked on another hit in my search: a CTV News article based on an interview Reid provided to the network. The article notes:

Reid explained that being labelled "Rude Rebecca" helped her learn that there are different ways of being rude, including "positive rudeness."

She said "positive rudeness" is otherwise known as "being assertive," but says it is described as rude when women exhibit it.

I get that. Some people will label women all sorts of things when the latter act in ways contrary to the former's desires or interests. But I don't believe that the answer to what other people think or say about us is to be inherently rude. Let's not forget the definition of rude: "discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way."

Among the suggestions Reid has for women is to say "sorry" less, suggesting that when we say "sorry" we often mean "thank you." The CTV article states:

She explained that when someone apologizes for being late, what they mean is that they are grateful the person waited for them and suggests women trying replacing "sorry" with "thank you."

Reid goes on to say that when women say "sorry" in the workplace, they may advertise that "they're getting things wrong all the time."

"When you say 'sorry' you've undermined yourself. You said, 'I'm wrong' or 'I've made a mistake', whereas a lot of the time you haven't made a mistake or if you have, it's a very small one," Reid said.

I'm sorry, but "I'm sorry" is not an expression that we need to expunge from our vocabulary. One of the most courageous things we can do is say, "I'm sorry" when we've made a mistake or offended someone. I've screwed up, and saying sorry to the other person was exactly what I needed to do to restore the relationship. Contrary to Reid, I believe that an appropriate apology is a sign of strength, not weakness, regardless of whether you're a woman or a man. Admitting an error is often a prerequisite to being able to move forward. And doing so gives others permission to admit when they've messed up too.

Being nice

I support Janice Quirt's rebuttal of Reid's notion of "positive rudeness." Quirt asserts:

The world needs compassionate people to lead, work, parent and contribute. I want to teach my kids that they don’t need to sell themselves short in life, but they have to be decent people. Being aggressive or yelling at people may sometimes provide short-term results, but such strategies do little to build long-term trust and loyalty. That’s as true in the corporate world as it was in kindergarten.

Quirt shares the example of a family member who is "the epitome of kindness."

Because she is naturally so warm and open, she’s the person the front-desk staff calls when there is a cancellation for an overbooked specialist, jumping her up the list by months. She’s the one who always has the inside information from her kids’ school. She gets the upgrades in restaurants, hotels and flights. She is the recipient of smiles, gifts and confidences. She has had wonderful jobs and a thriving career.

Is it because she has finely honed her positive rudeness? No.

It’s because her kindness and innate goodness spills over to others.

This has been my experience in life as well. One of the most touching things an employee ever said to me was this: "You make us want to work hard for you." I inspired loyalty by being kind, respectful, appreciative, inclusive and empathic—not by being rude.

I remember, as a young executive, explaining to a senior manager that if getting ahead meant being mean to my employees, I wasn't interested in getting ahead. My boss was unequivocal. He said: "You do not need to be mean to get ahead." Neither my friend nor I followed that path, and neither of us finished last. Au contraire.

In defence of kindness

I supported my friend's kindness-first approach, while acknowledging that some occasions call for assertiveness:

When people say that someone is "too nice," it could be a reflection of their own disdain for kindness (the author of The No Asshole Rule calls these people "certified assholes"), but it could also reflect a feeling that the individual is not as effective as they could be if they were a little more assertive on occasions when needed. What might such an occasion be? When someone is stealing an idea from the originator and claiming it as their own, when someone is demonstrating unethical behaviour (such as lying or throwing someone under the bus), when someone is being abusive. Being nice goes too far when it leads someone to accept the unacceptable.

I have always taught my son and daughter to be nice, but I've also taught them to be firm when they encounter situations that don't make sense and people who are taking advantage of them. It's kindness with a backbone.

Chances are that the people who say you're too nice have just never seen you when you've stood up to a bully (you are a mom after all). As long as being nice doesn't mean avoiding all conflict, then you're probably right where you need to be.

My friend replied to my email to elaborate on why the "you're too nice" comment irked her:

[I]t bothered me because I thought he was suggesting that I was either naive or not sufficiently assertive/effective. It is just not in my nature to push and I naturally prefer a positive and collaborative approach. That stuck with me though and I took from it what I wanted! I do now advocate more (always very respectfully, of course) for things that I want — not necessarily for me personally but for my team (e.g., more resources, etc.). It’s still uncomfortable for me (like walking into a crowded room and approaching people I don’t know), but I have learned to do it. I do think it’s effective in that the approach allows you to get things you wouldn’t otherwise get (e.g., resources, opportunities, etc.). There is a just a proper way of doing it and that doesn’t involve rudeness.

I couldn't agree more. Girls and young women should not be taught that "positive rudeness" is something to be embraced. Have a backbone, yes. Don't allow yourself to be pushed around, yes. Stand up for yourself and remain respectful, yes. But leave the rudeness behind.