[2021-12-01] You are valuable

A friend shared with me today that she is caring for her mother, who recently got out of the hospital. Her mom feels like a burden and an inconvenience, despite her daughter's reassurance to the contrary.

It got me thinking about how easy it is to feel like a burden when we can no longer do for ourselves or others what we did in the past. So many of us define ourselves by what we give—be that to our jobs, our families or our communities—so when our ability to give is diminished, our sense of self-worth may similarly plummet. We may feel that we are contributing less and taking more, that we are adding to the workload of our caregivers, that we are not doing our fair share in our relationships.

I wondered what I would say to someone who felt like a burden. So I did a little research. But before I jump into what we can do to convince a loved one that they are valued, it's helpful to look at what behaviours an individual who is ill might exhibit because they feel like a hindrance.

In 9 Things People Don't Realize You're Doing Because Your Illness Makes You Feel Like a Burden, people with chronic illnesses said that they sometimes over-apologize, shut people out, put their health on hold, push themselves past their limits, put others’ needs before their own, refuse help, get frustrated, lie about how they're feeling, and say yes to activities even if they exceed their capabilities.

But contributors to the article also provided encouraging words to those who feel like a burden:

You are not defined by your productivity.
Your productivity is not your worth! Don’t beat yourself up over things you cannot control.

You are still valuable, and contribute more than you may realize.
You contribute more than you give yourself credit [for]. If you can’t work/drive/exercise/recreation the way you used to before your diagnosis doesn’t mean you have stopped contributing to your family. Your smile and positive attitude reaches further than you realize. Your laugh is just as sweet or even sweeter. Your kind words and loving advice is just as valid and just as appreciated. Your hugs and kisses are worth more than any precious jewel or metal. Your gentle voice is all your family may need to get through the day. You aren’t useless. You aren’t a burden. You haven’t stopped being you. You aren’t defined by your illness but rather your illness defines how strong you are.

Being chronically ill doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love.
Even if you can’t get out of bed for weeks at a time that doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love and appreciation.... Your worth is not defined by how others see you or what you can do for them.

We all need help sometimes—and that’s OK.
The best advice I received is that you are not a burden, your disease is. And it’s not a burden you have to carry alone. Find your tribe—the people who make you want to get up every morning and fight for your quality of life.
"You can be changed by what happens to you but refuse to be reduced by it," [is] my favorite quote by Maya Angelou. Our illnesses change us and make us adapt our lives around them, but they don’t reduce our worth.

Other people’s opinions don’t affect how valuable you truly are.
At the end of the day, what people think about you doesn’t matter. What you think about yourself does; your goals, your dreams, and your values determine who you are. Other people’s judgment can never change that.

Remember that there is so much more to you and your worth than your diagnosis.
You are so much more than your illness. It’s so hard to see sometimes when dishes are piled up or laundry isn’t done. Be kind to yourself. Put as much love and kindness into you as you do everyone else.

Two additional articles provided valuable advice to the person doubting their worth, namely, To the Person With a Chronic Illness Who Feels Like a Burden and 10 Reasons We Are All Worthy, Even If Chronic Illness Makes Us Feel Like We're Not:

You are valuable simply because you exist.
There’s a wonderful quote by the author Max Lucado that sums it up perfectly: "You are valuable just because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are." These words imply we are all inherently worthy, because we’re all human beings.

Your special characteristics, skills and personality traits make you unique.
What would your husbands, wives, children, grandparents, brothers, sisters, parents and friends do without you in their lives? You may not be able to drive them around, watch their football match, go out for a meal, go to the theatre or go on holiday, but you can snuggle up in bed and watch a film, you can make their favorite pasta dish, you give the best hugs and you share the best stories.

You have talents and achievements that your illness cannot take away.
That wedding cake you baked, the marathon you ran, the book you wrote. They are all part of your story and worth.... So if you used to run marathons and ran for miles but now find yourself sitting down all day painting, that talent is just as impressive.

You can still give love and show kindness.
When you are feeling like you don’t have a purpose, do something with love and the joy will bring will show you that you are indeed very worthy.

You bring happiness.
Even if you are feeling really unwell and you have zoned out and are not really "in the room," just you being there could have made someone’s day. Just you talking and joking about your dog could have made someone laugh. Your goodbye hug could have given someone hope in knowing they are not alone. You sharing your story could be the motivation someone needs to heal themselves or chase their dreams.

One more resource, Feeling Like A Burden? What It Means And How To Overcome It, offered excellent tips for anyone suffering from low self-esteem because they think they are a strain on others:
  1. Repeat positive affirmations and point out things you love about yourself.
  2. Create words of encouragement and kind reminders for yourself.
  3. Spend more time with people who make you feel loved and appreciated.
  4. Do things you excel at.
  5. Set achievable goals and tasks, and complete them.
  6. Challenge negative thoughts when they appear, and replace them with positive ones.
  7. Improve your current lifestyle by cultivating healthier habits.
  8. Refuse to compare yourself to others (focus only on your own personal journey).
  9. Be kind to yourself, and remember that no one is perfect.
  10. Focus on your mental health and wellness.

My favourite advice from this article was to talk to your loved ones:

Sometimes, all we need is one person’s reassurance that we are not a burden. However, fear or uncertainty can prevent us from reaching out. To combat feelings of low self-esteem, try expressing how you’re feeling to those closest to you. Speak openly to those you trust, and let them reassure you. Focus, too, on improving those relationships so that there is greater trust and better communication. When you feel actively loved and appreciated by another person, you are less likely to feel like a burden. If you do not have someone you trust enough to be open with, consider speaking with a licensed counselor.

For the most part, I have not felt like a burden to my family as I've dealt with cancer. I believe this is for two reasons: (1) I'm surrounded by people who love and appreciate me, whether I'm able to give a little or a lot, and (2) my treatment has not been debilitating nor chronic. My family members and I knew that I would recover from surgery and that my sickness after chemotherapy would pass. It is likely more difficult to cope with feelings of being a burden when dealing with a chronic illness or an acute illness with a long recovery period.

Still, as we age, we may find ourselves facing an illness that makes us feel like a burden or comforting someone who worries about the demands they are putting on others. Knowing what we can do to build our own self-esteem and understanding what we can do to reassure someone who is ill is helpful knowledge to tuck away until it is needed in the future.