[2021-12-30] Coping with anger, frustration and impatience

I pride myself on being even-keeled and in control of my emotions. But lately I've been losing my patience. While I haven't had any public outbursts and have managed to remain civil in my interactions with others, I have been feeling intensely irritated. Here's one reason why.

Today, I spoke with three different representatives of a government organization. (I'll remain silent on the name of the organization as I believe in praising in public and criticizing in private.)

The issue began in November when my mother received a letter from the government organization. I called the organization and spoke to Agent #1 who asked that I complete a certain form. When my questions exceeded her knowledge, she transferred me to another person. Agent #2 provided clearer information and advised that I include additional documentation that Agent #1 had not requested. I felt confident that Agent #2 had provided a thorough response. My mom and I sent everything that was requested.

Today, my mother received another letter from the organization, which included the salutation "Sir or Madam" and which was sent to the wrong address. I found this annoying given that my mom's name and address were clearly included in the documentation we provided in November. The upshot of the form letter was that what we had sent last month, as per the recommendations of Agents #1 and #2, wasn't enough.

So I called again. Agent #3 offered a different solution. She asked that I complete a new form and send it to an address in Ottawa. When I reviewed the form following the call, I noticed that it included a declaration that did not apply, which Agent #3 should have known given all the history I had provided to her. So I had to call the government organization yet again. Agent #4 listened politely as I repeated all the same context that I had provided to Agent #3. She quickly declared that I needed to speak to a more senior agent and transferred me.

After a 20-minute wait, Agent #5 came on the line. I asked whether he had been provided with any context. The answer was no. So I repeated my sad story for the third time today. He agreed that the form Agent #3 had recommended was not appropriate and asked that I write a letter instead. When I asked whether I should send the form and associated documents to the address in Ottawa, he said flatly: "We don't have a centre in Ottawa." He provided a different address from what Agent #3 had given me. He also implied that the advice of Agents #1 and #2 was incorrect, indicating that a simple call to the government organization would have sufficed had we previously sent the letter and documentation he was recommending.

I wanted to cry, and told him so. I stated that I have no confidence in an organization that provides so many different answers to the same question.

The second source of my frustration was seeing employees in a grocery store wearing their masks below their noses. This is not the first time, and I know that I'm reacting just a little more strongly each time I witness this. I suppose that I should just walk away, but I find myself feeling incensed by such behaviour. I have the same feeling when a driver turns into the pedestrian crosswalk as I'm trying to cross the street on the white walking symbol. I feel endangered.

I wonder whether my growing frustration and shrinking patience are a reflection that I'm doing too much, that I've depleted my batteries. In other words, is it me? Or would I feel just as frustrated and impatient if I were under no stress and spending my days living a life of leisure?

Part of the answer, I think, is knowing what to expect. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised when I get different responses from different people in the same organization. Perhaps I should learn to go with the flow, saying, "Oh, that didn't work, you say? OK. What's the next thing I need to do?" Perhaps I should just move briskly in the opposite direction of any employees not wearing their masks correctly or kindly request that they raise their mask (I've done both).

Here are some other techniques for managing anger that I gleaned from my research tonight:
  1. Think before you speak. Take a few minutes to collect your thoughts before speaking.
  2. Express what made you angry but only after calming yourself. Once you're thinking clearly, share what happened, how it made you feel, and what you need, using a non-confrontational tone.
  3. Use "I" statements. To avoid casting blame, use "I" statements, such as "I find it frustrating to receive different advice from people in the same organization."
  4. Identify possible solutions. Instead of fixating on what upset you, focus on solutions to the problem.
  5. Give yourself a break. Distance yourself from stress-inducing situations, which might help you manage your anger. For example, going for a walk can help calm your brain and your body.
  6. Let go of your negative emotions. Once you've acknowledged your frustration (and even shed a few tears), let the negativity go by focusing on the next positive step you can take.
  7. Exercise. According to the Mayo Clinic, physical activity can reduce stress, making it easier to deal with anger. If you feel yourself getting irritated, go for a brisk walk or engage in other forms of physical activity. Exercise may also help you to clear your mind and gain a new perspective on the situation.
  8. Practice relaxation techniques. Breathe deeply, think of a relaxing scene (go to your happy place), or repeat a calming phrase, such as "Everything will work out."
  9. Take stock of the things that trigger your anger. Understanding your triggers—contradictory advice, poor mask hygiene, drivers who endanger pedestrians—can help you come up with healthier responses before you encounter these situations.
  10. Evaluate your anger. A terrific article in VerywellMind recommends that you "ask yourself if your anger is a friend or an enemy." Anger may be a friend (i.e., helpful) when, for example, you see someone's rights being trampled and take action to deal with it. On the other hand, anger may be an enemy (i.e., hurtful) when, for example, it is hurting your relationships.
  11. Recognize warning signs. Learn the physical and emotional signs that your frustration is mounting: faster heartbeat, hot face, clenched fists, mind racing. VerywellMind says that "By recognizing your warning signs, you have the opportunity to take immediate action and prevent yourself from doing or saying things that create bigger problems."
  12. Talk to a friend. It may be helpful to talk to a friend who has a calming effect on you—someone to whom you can describe a situation or express your feelings. However, VerywellMind cautions that if you do talk to a friend, make sure that you're working on solutions, not simply venting, since the latter can actually add fuel to the fire.
  13. Manage your thoughts. Instead of focusing on your frustrations, reframe the situation by focusing on the facts. For example, "this issue is complex; it's understandable that it would take a few tries to get it right."
  14. Change the channel. Rather than ruminate on what went wrong, distract yourself with an activity that engages your brain, such as doing a puzzle or playing a game. Like physical exercise, this will give your body and brain a chance to regain a state of equilibrium.
  15. Explore your feelings. It can be helpful to consider what emotions might be lurking beneath your anger. According to VerywellMind: "Anger often serves as a protective mask to help you avoid feeling more painful emotions, like embarrassment, sadness, and disappointment." For example, your frustration with poor service that will increase your workload might be stronger than it would otherwise be because you're also frustrated with a family member or colleague for not pulling their weight.
  16. Create a "calm down" kit. This is my favourite tip. Also from VerywellMind, this one suggests that you create a kit to help you cope with recurring stressors. "Think about objects that help engage all your senses. When you can look, hear, see, smell, and touch calming things, you can change your emotional state. So a calm down kit might include scented hand lotion, a picture of a serene landscape, a spiritual passage you can read aloud, and a few pieces of your favorite candy. Include things that you know will help you remain calm."

Perhaps I need to take Margaret Atwood's advice about being like water. In his newsletter from last week, James Clear quoted the Canadian poet and novelist from her novella The Penelopiad:

Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.

After reflecting on my day and researching ways to cope with anger, frustration and impatience, I can see that there is still much that is within my control. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to change the channel by playing a game, followed by a good night's sleep.