[2022-02-01] How full is your bucket?

As I was cleaning out old emails on the weekend, I came across some best bits that I had copied from the book How Full Is Your Bucket? Authors Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton present the Theory of the Dipper and the Bucket:

Each of us has an invisible bucket. It is constantly emptied or filled, depending on what others say or do to us. When our bucket is full, we feel great. When it's empty, we feel awful.

Each of us also has an invisible dipper. When we use that dipper to fill other people's buckets—by saying or doing things to increase their positive emotions—we also fill our own bucket. But when we use that dipper to dip from others' buckets—by saying or doing things that decrease their positive energy—we diminish ourselves.

Like the cup that runneth over, a full bucket gives us a positive outlook and renewed energy. Every drop in that bucket makes us stronger and more optimistic.

But an empty bucket poisons our outlook, saps our energy, and undermines our will. That's why every time someone dips from our bucket, it hurts us.

So we face a choice every moment of every day: We can fill one another's buckets, or we can dip from them. It's an important choice—one that profoundly influences our relationships, productivity, health, and happiness.

Our buckets can be filled or emptied in many situations, including at work and home. Rath and Clifton state that the number one reason people leave their jobs is that they do not feel appreciated. They also point out that when a couple's interactions are 5 positive for every 1 negative, their relationship is more likely to succeed, but when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, the two people are more likely to go their separate ways.

How do you know if you're filling other people's buckets? Rath and Clifton present 15 Positive Impact Test Questions:
  1. I have helped someone in the last 24 hours.
  2. I am an exceptionally courteous person.
  3. I like being around positive people.
  4. I have praised someone in the last 24 hours.
  5. I have developed a knack for making other people feel good.
  6. I am more productive when I am around positive people.
  7. In the last 24 hours, I have told someone that I cared about her or him.
  8. I make it a point to become acquainted with people wherever I go.
  9. When I receive recognition, it makes me want to give recognition to someone else.
  10. In the last week, I have listened to someone talk through his or her goals and ambitions.
  11. I make unhappy people laugh.
  12. I make it a point to call each of my associates by the name she or he likes to be called.
  13. I notice what my colleagues do at a level of excellence.
  14. I always smile at the people I meet.
  15. I feel good about giving praise whenever I see good behavior.

These are all excellent questions. My favourites—and the ones I practice the most—are these: I have helped someone, I have praised someone, I have a knack for making other people feel good, I have told someone that I care about them, I call others by the name they like, I smile at the people I meet.

Rath and Clifton provide valuable advice about how to praise others:

If you want people to understand that you value their contributions and that they are important, the recognition and praise you provide must have meaning that is specific to each individual.

One of the first rules of recognition is to recognize people in a way that makes them feel comfortable and valued. For some people, that's appreciation in front of their peers; for others, that's a quiet word of praise in private.

Similarly, in relationships, individuals have different preferences for how their loved ones show that they care. Gary Chapman describes these preferences in his book The 5 Love Languages, which are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts.

I recently came across a helpful graphic that uses coffee to illustrate the five love languages:
  1. Affirmation: Your coffee is delicious.
  2. Acts of service: I made you coffee.
  3. Gifts: Here's a coffee.
  4. Quality time: Let's go get a coffee.
  5. Physical touch: Let me hold you like a coffee.

How Full Is Your Bucket? includes one additional point that I found fascinating:

According to a recent poll, the vast majority of people prefer gifts that are unexpected. Expected gifts do fill our buckets, but for some reason, receiving things unexpectedly fills our buckets just a little more. It's about the element of surprise. And the gift doesn't have to be anything big to be successful.

Rath and Clifton recommend that you look for opportunities to give small gifts out of the blue: a trinket, a smile, a book suggestion, baked goods, a short video of your guinea pig eating lettuce.

Recent events (whether in the past couple of days or the past couple of years) have no doubt left many of us feeling like our buckets are empty. It's worth thinking about how we can fill other people's buckets. Doing so, as Rath and Clifton suggest, is a sure-fire way of filling our own bucket at the same time.