[2022-04-07] Things other people want me to do
Today's newsletter from James Clear included this quote from writer Jenée Desmond-Harris:
I started dividing my to-do list into 1) things I have to do, 2) things I want to do, and 3) things other people want me to do. Life changing! I often don’t get to #3 and I finally realized... this is what it means to have boundaries.
It's interesting that Desmond-Harris' third grouping is "things other people want me to do." Had she written "things I do for others," I might have quibbled with her statement about setting boundaries, as there is merit in helping and supporting others. But her choice of words suggests that her third category is distinct from the first two. In other words, she is referring to things other people want her to do but that she does not need to do nor desire to do.
For my part, while I spend time on all three types of activities, I sometimes devote too much time to #3. To be fair, some of the things I do for others are things I want to do and do so voluntarily. I get pleasure from helping other people. Too often, though, I fall into a habit of doing things for other people that I neither have to do nor want to do. This can include doing errands and favours for people who take them for granted; having conversations about subjects that, at best, bore me and, at worst, upset me; and listening to endless complaints with no presentation of possible solutions.
As useful as Desmond-Harris' three categories are, I think they would benefit from being considered in a Venn diagram. My goal is to complete the inevitable tasks of #1, expand the enjoyable activities of #2, and minimize the onerous obligations of #3.
This is, of course, easier said than done, and comes more naturally to others than it does to me. Perhaps the way to tackle the challenge is to pose two questions whenever someone wants me to do something. I can ask myself: (1) Do I need to do this? (2) Do I want to do this? If the answer to both questions is no, then my response is self-evident.
