[2022-05-01] Boundaries
Today, a friend posted a tribute to her sweet cat who had recently "crossed the rainbow bridge." My friend included a list of lessons she had learned from her beloved pet, among them "Set boundaries early and gently whack anything that crosses the line."
The subject of boundaries has come up numerous times in the past few weeks—a sign, perhaps, for me to write a post on the topic.
The first notable instance of border-setting came up a couple of weeks ago in a conversation with my daughter about setting boundaries, for example, limits on topics she's not comfortable discussing. Melanie will say to her friend, "I'm going to set a boundary here. I want you to know that I'm doing this because I value our friendship and want to preserve it."
"How did you learn about boundaries and setting them?" I asked Mel. "Intuition and figuring it out over time," she replied. This is what I took from my discussion with her.
Why to set boundaries
Mel says that boundaries are a way of respecting both parties: we honour ourselves by setting boundaries, and we honour other people by sharing what our boundaries are. Setting limits communicates to the other person: "you are mature enough, healthy enough, emotionally stable enough to hear this boundary." Limits make it possible for people to co-exist in a relationship that works for both parties. That makes me think of the old adage that "good fences make good neighbours."
When to set boundaries
It's good to set boundaries before it gets to a point where doing so would cause a major issue, advises Mel.
With whom can you set boundaries
Mel acknowledges that it's easier to set boundaries with people who will not see them as a threat. "You get a gut feeling about whether you can set a boundary with them," she said. When two people enjoy a baseline of respect, they can discuss conflict and set appropriate borders.
How to set boundaries
Setting a boundary is about expressing what you need, explains Mel. It's not about the other person. Setting a boundary does not mean the other person has done anything wrong. It can be as simple as saying "I choose not to talk about this subject, and I would appreciate your not bringing it up with me."
Be kind, says Mel. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel uncomfortable when you share negative news, particularly situations beyond my control."
For the friend who likes clear, blunt talk, you can say, "Let's not go there." For the friend who is uncomfortable with confrontation, you can reassure them by saying, "Don't worry—we're still cool. I want us to have a good friendship, and I didn't want to keep this in and risk making the friendship uncomfortable."
Some people like a lot of detail (such as why a certain topic makes you uncomfortable) because they find it reassuring; others don't like a lot of detail because they feel it keeps hammering the point home.
How to enforce boundaries
Mel says that her friends have learned that if she sets a boundary, she will stick with it. "I have made a commitment to myself that I'm going to value my time."
You can enforce a boundary by managing your behaviour, for example, not responding to an electronic message when someone is not respecting your boundaries, or communicating: "If you say that again, I'm going to end the conversation."
It often doesn't sink in with people until they suffer the consequences of not respecting the other person's boundary, says Mel. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people who don't respect the limits we've set.
Pick your battles
Finally, Mel cautions, pick your battles. If you think that setting a boundary will fundamentally improve the relationship, speak up. If not, then you have two options: accept the behaviour or walk away.
An agreement you make with yourself
The second significant reference to boundary-setting that I came across recently was an article in The Atlantic. Dear Therapist: My Dad Is Trying to Force His Way Into My Life echoes many of Mel's points. In the article, a letter writer seeks advice from the therapist on how to deal with her father, who was verbally abusive and neglectful when she was a child. In response, the therapist notes, among other things, that good borders have two parts: stating the limit and maintaining the limit.
Setting boundaries with a parent can feel daunting, especially if your boundaries haven’t been respected in the past. But keep in mind that boundary-setting has two parts. The first is simply stating the limit: Dad, unless there’s a dire medical emergency, can you please just call once, and I will call you back when I have time to talk? This will help us get closer because I’ll feel better about our relationship. The second part is maintaining the limit. If your dad calls you more than once before you’ve had a reasonable amount of time to respond (a couple of days, not a month), you might say: Dad, I asked you not to call me more than once before I have a chance to respond. If you do that again, I’m going to block your calls, because it makes me feel like you don’t care about what’s important to me.
Just as Mel maintains that boundaries are about you, not the other person, the therapist says that boundaries are commitments you make to yourself.
Remember that your boundary is an agreement you make with yourself about what you will or will not tolerate. That’s why the consistency of your response is key. In other words, if sometimes you let it slide when your father calls incessantly, you’re not only sending him the message that it’s okay to treat you this way, but you’re doing what your father has done to you—not honoring your needs. How he responds to your boundaries will also help you make other decisions, such as when (or whether) to share your address, what staying in contact looks like (and whether that’s possible), and how you will (or will not) allow yourself to be spoken to.
Gentle whacking
The third memorable mention of boundaries arrived today in the form of my friend's social media post on lessons learned from her cat, including "Be friendly to everyone. If drama creeps in, revert back to advice on boundaries and gentle whacking."
My most significant takeaways from these three resources is that my boundaries are as much about me as they are about the other person, my limits are a contract I make with myself regarding what I will and won't accept, and communicating my needs is about respecting myself as well as the other person.
