[2022-05-10] Seize the day
Today, I found myself asking, "Will I always have health problems?"
This morning, I had blood work to check for potential issues other than those associated with monitoring my ovarian cancer. I await the results.
Later, I had an ultrasound to look at my gallbladder. It confirmed that I have a mobile gallstone. I might be able to live with it, or I might need to have my gallbladder surgically removed at some point. I wouldn't be concerned about the latter possibility if it weren't for the increased risk to my internal organs given that my omentum was removed during surgery for ovarian cancer. The omentum is a layer of fatty tissue that surrounds and protects the stomach, large intestine and other abdominal organs. Avoiding damage to the bowel, in particular, would be a concern in any gallbladder surgery.
This afternoon, I called The Ottawa Hospital for an update on where I am in the queue for a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy—a queue I joined in October 2021. At the beginning of March, the receptionist at the breast surgical oncologist's office told me that I was #8 on the list, with 7 people ahead of me. Now in mid-May, when I asked the receptionist whether the queue had moved, she replied, "not really." She said they are having difficulty getting time in the operating room, and what time they do get is, understandably, prioritized for people with cancer.
All of this made me feel a little vulnerable. And it made me question whether I can make plans for things such as travel and volunteering.
While ruminating over these matters, I started reading a book called Lifespan: Why We Age—and Why We Don't Have To by Harvard professor David A. Sinclair, PhD. Sinclair credits comedian and actor Robin Williams with spurring him to consider his own mortality through Williams' portrayal of John Keating, the teacher in Dead Poets Society. In the film, Keating asks his students to look at a faded picture of boys who died years before.
"They are not that different from you, are they?" Keating says. "Invincible, just like you feel ... Their eyes are full of hope ... But you see, gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils."
Keating encourages the boys to lean in closer to listen for a message from the grave. Standing behind them, in a quiet, ghostly voice, he whispers, "Carpe. Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
Sinclair states that this scene in the film had an enormous impact on him, motivating him to become a Harvard professor. He writes:
At the age of 20, I had finally heard someone else say what my grandmother had taught me at an early age: Do your part to make humanity be the best it can be. Don't waste a moment. Embrace your youth; hold on to it for as long as you can.
I can't do my part if I'm worrying about health threats, I concluded. Nor should I avoid planning because of uncertainty about the future, I decided. Plans can be adjusted when and if a health issue arises.
The answer to my question "Will I always have health problems?" is yes and no. Yes, I will face health problems in the future; that is an inevitable part of aging. No, I will not "always" face such challenges. I may have months or years with few serious concerns. And even if I do encounter new or recurring troubles in the future, I will deal with them as I did with my two cancers and previous health issues: I will do what I need to do to get better and I will continue to seize the day.
