[2022-05-16] Compliments and kudos
Most days, my morning walk takes me through a neighbourhood of condominium townhouses that is well maintained. On several occasions, I have met the president of the condo board who is often engaged in activities to make her street prettier or more functional.
The other day, my daughter and I noticed a sign announcing an upcoming community cleanup day, complete with coffee for those taking part. What wonderful team spirit, we thought. And we attributed it to the president.
A few days later, while on a solo walk, I came across the president, who was doing some landscaping with another person.
I said to her, "You're the president of the condo board, right?" I wanted to make sure that I wasn't confusing her with someone else. When she replied that she was, with just a hint of apprehension in her voice, I added quickly, "My daughter and I were remarking the other day at how neat and orderly the street is, and we were convinced that the positive street spirit was because of your efforts." The apprehension disappeared from her face and was replaced by gratitude.
"Oh yes," said the man who was with her. "She's amazing."
The president mentioned that she doesn't often hear that, so I replied, "I don't even live in this community and I appreciate what you do." I suggested that the people who lived on the street no doubt valued her work, even if they were reluctant to say it directly to her. Too often, people think positively of someone yet never tell the person.
A recent study (Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them) found that, even though compliments make both the giver and the receiver feel good, people dole out less praise than they think they should. Why? In a series of surveys, people in a position to compliment others underestimated how positive the recipients would feel and overestimated how awkward the recipients would feel. They also underestimated their own competence and warmth in delivering kudos.
In short, we underplay the positive impact that a compliment could have on someone else, we overplay how awkward the recipient will feel, and we lack confidence in our ability to deliver a well-worded, warm expression of appreciation.
Quoted in a BBC article, the study's co-author, Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioural science at the University of Chicago, said: "Compliments are the easiest way to make other people—and, as a result, ourselves—feel better. But when a kind thought comes to mind, people often don’t say it." Epley and his partner, Xuan Zhao, a psychologist at Stanford University, determined that potential complimenters worried that they would not express the compliment well or would not strike the right tone. It turns out, said Epley, that the recipients cared much less about how the compliment was delivered and much more about how nice or kind the words were.
So, do as JohnA Passaro does: "I drop kindness pebbles in still water everyday, and I watch the effect they have on other people's lives. My favorite kindness pebbles are compliments. Drop a compliment and watch the ripple effect that it has in your life."
We may not know the impact that a compliment will have on the recipient of our kind words (short of their immediate response), nor what positive feelings that person will pay forward, but we do know how well it makes us feel when we give kudos to another person. That's reason enough to pass along the praise.
Still, the impacts are genuine, so go ahead and share that compliment that's on the tip of your tongue. And don't worry about how smooth your delivery will be. As long as you are kind and sincere, your recipient will appreciate the thought.
