[2022-05-20] Giving and taking constructive feedback
In last night's post (Offering feedback), I committed to expanding on the process of both giving and receiving constructive feedback.
I used to think that some people were better at receiving constructive criticism than others. But I questioned that assumption after reading an article on the subject in the Harvard Business Review in 2016.
In The Key to Giving and Receiving Negative Feedback, author, speaker and social scientist Joseph Grenny says: "You can say almost anything to someone if they feel safe." However, "If they feel unsafe, even the tiniest hint of disapproval can be crushing."
My experience to that point in my career was that employees frequently said they wanted honest feedback on their performance, but often reacted with hurt when they got it. And based on what I heard from other managers, I wasn't alone. Many managers encountered defensiveness from staff when sharing well-intentioned remarks and thus may have been slow to give employees the truth they said they wanted. As Grenny notes, "Our belief that these types of exchanges will carry a high probability of hurt makes us understandably reluctant to invite them."
But maybe there's something deeper going on, I thought. Grenny points out that when people mistrust the intent of the commenter, for example, taking the criticism as a personal attack or an attempt by the giver to appear superior to the receiver, then they will not be open to the content of the feedback.
So what's a manager to do?
According to Grenny, a feeling of safety is the key to giving and receiving negative feedback. While he acknowledges that you can't make anyone feel safe—"We are ultimately responsible for understanding the fears we carry and for managing them when they interrupt our ability to engage in honest and open dialogue with others"—you can make it easier for others to feel safe when you have negative feedback to give.
3 ways to help others feel safe before you provide feedback
- Make sure you're in the right frame of mind before providing feedback. Grenny distinguishes between feedback and blowback: "Feedback is information intended to help others learn. Blowback is information used to wound." If you've been disappointed by an employee's performance and are feeling resentful, first deal with your own emotions before attempting to speak to the employee. "When you feel a genuine concern for the growth and development of the other person, you’re ready to talk—and not a moment sooner," writes Grenny.
- Ask permission to provide feedback. Grenny recommends that you offer to provide input but wait until it's invited. He suggests saying something like, "Can I give you some feedback about your presentation?" While I liked the concept, I struggled with the execution. Whenever someone said to me "Can I give you some feedback?" I would cringe and brace myself for criticism. Perhaps one way to address this is to build in a time buffer. For example, you could say to an employee: "When we meet tomorrow, I'd be happy to provide you feedback on your presentation if you'd like"?
- Share your intent before your comment. Grenny insists that "People become defensive less because of what you’re saying than because of why they think you’re saying it." This may be why employees are more open to being critiqued by a mentor than their boss; they're less likely to assume ulterior motives on the part of a mentor than a manager. I also thought that this is why forward-looking conversations made for more successful performance discussions than backward-looking ones. It was easier for me to point out to an aggressive employee that they should soften their approach if they were seeking feedback on how to advance in their career than if I were commenting on their past performance.
One other way I found to make employees feel safe and open to negative feedback was to provide lots of positive feedback that was genuine and specific. This helped employees trust that I had the best of intent, even when I needed to point out an area in which they could improve.
Grenny recognizes that managers struggle not only with providing feedback but also with receiving it, sharing the example of a manager who was devastated by the responses he got from employees in a 360° feedback exercise. He offers helpful suggestions for what individuals can do to prepare for criticism.
3 ways to help yourself feel safe before you receive feedback
- Make sure you're in the right frame of mind before receiving feedback. Grenny advises: "Never invite feedback until you are ready for it." Ask yourself whether you are seeking information or approval, the truth or validation. Make sure you're ready to listen with curiosity rather than insecurity.
- Let others know if you're not ready for constructive criticism. Admit when you're feeling too vulnerable to receive feedback and then take responsibility to schedule a time by which you will be ready.
- Be curious. "The best inoculation against defensiveness is curiosity." So ask questions and request examples with the simple goal of learning. "Curiosity inhibits defensiveness because it keeps the focus off of your self worth and on the experience of others," says Grenny.
I admit that I had as challenging a time with criticism as the next person, though it was always easier to accept it from someone who I knew had my best interests at heart.
I can still remember one of the first critiques I got in my career. At the end of an otherwise positive appraisal, my supervisor mentioned that I sometimes had so many good ideas and was so excited to talk about them in meetings that I may have made others reluctant to share their views. It hurt at the time, but I quickly realized the value of the input. For the rest of my career, I remained conscious of my extroverted tendencies, and I tried to make room for others to intervene in meetings.
One other way I found to avoid the pain of constructive criticism was to keep my ears and mind open for ongoing feedback. Sometimes this would come in the form of a question about past performance ("Do you think other participants in the meeting were intimated to share their own views?") or a brief suggestion in the moment ("Those are great ideas; let's get some input from others.") I'm sure that I avoided a lot of difficult conversations by hearing what my managers and others were communicating even if they weren't saying it outright to spare my feelings or to avoid an awkward conversation.
My friend who asked for advice on giving feedback to her colleague did have the discussion. She wrote to me today to share this:
So I offered my colleague feedback and she accepted. This afternoon I gave her feedback. I tried to give some positive feedback about things she does well, but she was still a little teary after the negative (constructive) feedback. But she really welcomed the feedback, which surprised me a little. I think she does want to do better. I do hope that my suggestions and tips are helpful. I want her to get to a point where we can in good faith give her a good reference. We could keep quiet, but I don’t think this helps her. I encouraged her to ask for more feedback from others giving her tasks and to communicate more with them so that she can better understand and therefore meet expectations. This was really hard. But I do feel better about having this conversation rather than not. At least she has a better chance to improve.
It really is hard to give constructive criticism. The recipient may initially be hurt (as my friend's colleague was today and I was at the beginning of my career). But if your goal is to help the other person, you will most likely achieve that. And you'll probably be remembered for your courage and helpfulness even years after providing input.
