[2022-05-21] Today's top 10

I spent three hours in my backyard this morning, prepping and filling various containers. I freshened up planters by adding soil, then planted herbs, tomatoes, peppers, cucumber and zucchini. I initially hesitated to sow my seeds and seedlings, uncertain about what to put where and fearing that I would make a mistake. But once I jumped in, I was eager to finish the job. Fortunately, I had enough energy to get through the beginning, middle and end: from "I can do this" to "oh God, my backyard looks worse than before I started" to "would you look at that: a place for everything and everything in its place."

This afternoon, when a severe storm hit, I reached out to my daughter to find out where she was. Earlier in the afternoon, Mel had taken a bus to the Nepean Sportsplex to visit a craft market. She told me that she had tried to make it home, but was forced to retreat to the Sportsplex in the face of high winds and sideways rain. She explained that the winds had been so strong that she lost her umbrella and prized BOY London hat—both ripped out of her hands. As she tried to make her way back into the building, getting absolutely drenched, the wind kicked up and dragged her across the grass, causing a nasty friction burn. But she did manage to get back to safety and to call me to pick her up. It took me 45 minutes to make the trek, a trip that would normally take less than 20 minutes. Downed trees, debris on the roads, the continuing rain and power outages at major intersections slowed me down. With patience, I made it to the Sportsplex. Just before I reached the entrance where my daughter was waiting, I spotted her BOY London hat on the grass. Quelle chance! I pulled over, nabbed it, then drove around to my daughter's entrance. The first thing Mel said after thanking me for picking her up was that she would have to order a new BOY London hat, at which point, I pulled out hers. As thrilled as we were to have found her hat, we were even more grateful that she was safe and essentially unharmed.

Today's events brought to mind an article that a friend had sent me last night: Ten Things You Need To Tell Your Adult Children. Author Cindy Farr shares 10 tips plus a bonus 11th that she passed on to her kids. I suggested to my friend that she could probably come up with such a list. She replied: "I may well work on one so it’s ready when the time comes. I feel like it will be sooner than I’m ready for." I responded: "Advice is like money. We can pass it along at any point in our lives. No need to wait until we are at death's door or after we pass." So as I reflect on this day and a few recent occurrences, I offer today's top ten things I would tell (or remind) my adult children.

Today's top 10 pieces of advice

  1. If a storm is coming, stay put. Mel decided today that, in future, if thunderstorms are in the forecast, she will stay home. No taking a bus somewhere and running the risk of getting stranded. My husband often says that there's no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing. And while that's accurate most of the time, it wasn't true today. Staying home would have been the best option.
  2. See the glass as half full. In any circumstance, we can choose to see all the negative in a situation or all the positive, or a mix of both. Today, I might have gotten annoyed at the storm, the debris on the road and the slow-moving traffic, but I took them in stride, knowing that my daughter was somewhere safe, just waiting for me to retrieve her. And when I saw her lost hat, it was a sign that there's always something to be grateful for. I was also happy that we encountered very few non-functioning traffic lights on the alternate route we took to get back home, cutting our return trip down to 25 minutes, compared to the 45 minutes it took me to reach her.
  3. Remember that people matter more than things. When my daughter apologized for losing my umbrella in the storm, I replied. "Who cares about an umbrella? You're safe. That's what's important."
  4. Be grateful for the strength you have. Don't take for granted the energy you have to do the things you want to do. If you can start a job and finish it, appreciate that. It means you have the mental and physical strength to set a goal and reach it. This reminds me of a short video my sister-in-law posted the other day of my 83-year-old mother planting potatoes. You probably wouldn't think the woman bending repeatedly to drop a potato in the furrow was 83, but that's my momma: as spry as ever.
  5. Nurture your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is at the root of so many problematic behaviours: putting other people down to prop oneself up, feeling like a victim, envying what others have, trying to keep up with the Joneses. Nurturing your self-esteem is as important as eating well and exercising. Read books, keep a journal, go to therapy, join a support group, talk to a trusted friend—whatever works best for you to remind yourself that you are enough.
  6. Be gentle with your feedback. A friend shared a cute story today. She made a new dish for supper one night and asked her partner what he thought of it. He replied: "Well, if you were to lose this recipe, I wouldn't go looking for it." My friend thought that was funny, as did I. In our family, when someone makes a new recipe that's not a keeper, we say: "It's very well made," which means "your effort is appreciated, but you needn't make it again on my account."
  7. Respond with L.O.V.E. In a recent Instagram post, author and mom of six L.R. Knost says "So many problems can be avoided if we respond with L.O.V.E., instead of reacting in haste." She defined L.O.V.E. as (1) Listen ("I hear you"), (2) Observe ("I see you"), (3) Validate ("I accept you"), and (4) Empathize ("I understand you"). I loved this post.
  8. Recognize the myriad ways people show others they care. In another Instagram post, mypositiveoutlooks writes: "People don't always say I LOVE YOU. Sometimes it sounds like: Be safe. Did you eat? Call me when you get home. I made you this." Today, love sounded like this: "Are you OK? I'll be right there."
  9. Reach out to others; don't wait for them to reach out to you. On a recent walk with Mel, I recalled one of my favourite exchanges in A.A. Milne's The House at Pooh Corner. In a discussion with Rabbit, Eeyore complains that no one tells him anything and no one comes to see him. Rabbit replies: "It’s your fault, Eeyore. You’ve never been to see any of us. You just stay here in this one corner of the Forest waiting for the others to come to you. Why don’t you go to THEM sometimes?" Eeyore concedes: "There may be something in what you say, Rabbit. I have been neglecting you. I must move about more. I must come and go." We are each responsible for nurturing our relationships.
  10. Remind yourself that you can do new things. You might hear "you can do hard things" more frequently than "you can do new things," but repeating "I can do new things" is a useful mantra. Another one is "I don't know how to do that...yet." You could make a list of all the things you've learned in life—how to buy property, how to make a floral arrangement, how to cook—as inspiration when you encounter something new.

I don't think I could ever come up with the definitive top 10 list of things I need to tell my adult children. I would have way more than 10 items. In fact, I think of many of my posts as letters to my children, one subject at a time. Today's list of advice reflects ideas that have come to mind in recent weeks. I'm certain I will write other top 10 lists in future.