[2022-06-03] Where we spend our time

I met a friend this afternoon for an old-fashioned, face-to-face, sit-down conversation—something I haven't done in a few years. It was so good for my soul (hers as well). I hadn't realized how much I had missed being able to go out with a friend.

Our get-together was a gift in many ways, starting with a good conversation on a patio overlooking a sun-drenched, verdant lawn, bordering a quiet, tree-lined street. It continued with a tangible gift that my friend brought to me: a document she had created analyzing where she spends her time and identifying 10 categories for activities or priorities to which she wants to devote her attention.

She told me that she had looked for a tool that would inspire a reflection on where she should spend her time, in alignment with her values. Not having found anything that was particularly suitable, she ended up defining her own list of priorities. Her 10 categories were:
  1. Sleep
  2. Unstructured time
  3. Exercise/self care
  4. Time with her mother
  5. Being a parent to her kids
  6. Time-sensitive tasks
  7. Writing
  8. Learning
  9. Forward planning
  10. Work/professional development

When I studied her chart representing the relative amount of time spent on each activity, I was struck by several things, most importantly, that sleep was the first and biggest time investment. My friend explained that her therapist had advised her to prioritize sleep. This makes sense, as sleep is the basis for performing well in all other areas. It reminded me of the investment strategy to "pay yourself first"; in other words, set aside resources for your savings and then spend whatever's left on other priorities. The same concept applies to sleep.

The next thing I noticed was that unstructured time was her second-largest time commitment. I grasped immediately why my friend would identify unstructured time as a priority given how impossibly overloaded and overstructured her life has been in recent years. I related to this priority: one of the gifts of my illness and subsequent retirement was that, for the first time in years, I could be present for my loved ones and could do whatever I wanted or needed to do on the spur of the moment.

I appreciated that my friend had established an explicit category devoted to time with her mom. As we discussed, our time is limited in two ways:
  1. the number of hours in a day (24) or week (168)—a known and fixed quantity, and
  2. the number of years we have on this earth—an unknown and variable quantity.
My friend is realistic that her time with her mom (who is 88) will run out, no doubt sooner than she would want it to. Naturally, she wants to take advantage of this precious time with her mother. I expressed a similar uncertainty about my own longevity and a desire to spend whatever number of years I have left on this earth engaged in activities that are important to me and spending time with the people I love. That might sound gloomy, and would if I chose to see it that way. But I view cancer's reminder of my finite existence as a call to appreciate and maximize every moment of my life.

As we discussed my friend's categories, I remembered having written a blog post (Caring for our mental health) that presented the Healthy Mind Platter. Developed by Dr. David Rock, executive director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, and Dr. Daniel Siegel, executive director of the Mindsight Institute, the Healthy Mind Platter identifies seven essential activities to maintain mental health:
  1. Focus Time. When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, taking on challenges that make deep connections in the brain.
  2. Play Time. When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, which helps make new connections in the brain.
  3. Connecting Time. When we connect with other people, ideally in person, or take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us, richly activating the brain's relational circuitry.
  4. Physical Time. When we move our bodies, aerobically if medically possible, which strengthens the brain in many ways.
  5. Time In. When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, helping to better integrate the brain.
  6. Down Time. When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, and let our mind wander or simply relax, which helps the brain recharge.
  7. Sleep Time. When we give the brain the rest it needs to consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day.

Curious about my friend's observation that there are few tools that provide guidance on where to spend one's time, I did a search this evening. I can confirm that there's no one answer (even the Healthy Mind Platter) that would work for everyone, just examples that serve as food for thought. One visual distinguished between paid work, passion work and support work, which I found interesting. Other tools used different words for categories that appeared in my friend's list, for example, personal development or educational activities rather than learning. Other charts included everyday activities, such as eating and drinking, commuting, and doing chores.

Inspired by my friend, I intend to reflect on where I want to spend my time, starting with an analysis of where I'm currently devoting my minutes and hours each day. By visualizing my priorities, I will have a picture against which to compare any new activity to see how it fits in. If one category grows or I try to add a new category to the mix, some other category will have to shrink.

I'm surprised that I haven't thought of creating my list of priority categories before now. In fairness, I've spent a considerable amount of time in the last couple of years dealing with cancer; in many ways, my priorities had been set for me. But now that I'm spending less and less time in cancer treatment and recovery (and I hope it stays that way), I can start to map out what I want to focus on.

I'm grateful to my friend for her gift of inspiration today. I will pay it forward by sharing my priority categories in a future post.