[2022-06-12] Fueling friendship

A few weeks back, I met an old work colleague for a late-afternoon drink.

I had always felt an affinity to my coworker, even if we saw each other face to face only once a week.

Then I got sick and took medical leave. Though we were no longer seeing each other regularly, we stayed in touch through the occasional chat by phone and more frequent emails. I continued to feel that my colleague was a kindred spirit.

More than a year later, my coworker found herself in a situation similar to mine: facing a health issue that led her to reevaluate her priorities. We connected again, this time over a shared perspective about the importance of our mental and physical health, our loved ones and our peace.

When we met face to face a few weeks ago, after more than two years since the pandemic lockdown, it was magical. We learned that we had much more in common than we had realized, for instance, how we had allowed work to occupy a disproportionate space in our lives, how we both loved to be organized, how we wanted to re-balance our lives to spend more time with family. We shared more in that 90-minute conversation than in any previous discussion. It felt like a first date where everything just clicked.

The six forces that fuel friendship

I thought back to that meeting this morning when I read reporter Julie Beck's article in The Atlantic: The Six Forces That Fuel Friendship. In this excellent piece, Beck shares recurring themes she observed after conducting 100 interviews with friends about their friendship—stories she published in The Friendship Files. Beck writes: "Though every bond evolves in its own way, I have come to believe that there are six forces that help form friendships and maintain them through the years: accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination, and grace."

Accumulation
Beck defines accumulation as "time spent together." It takes time for friendships to develop, which is why—says Beck—so many friendships grow out of work, school, church and extracurricular activities. Sometimes that time builds gradually over several years—as it did for my colleague and me—while other times it can happen very quickly.

Attention
Beck found that "connection can come from anywhere, at any time, if both parties are open to it." The key ingredient is paying attention to a combination that clicks. Beck maintains that "it’s never too late to meet someone who will be important to you for the rest of your life." One such unexpected relationship that I have developed since being diagnosed with cancer is with a woman in her 80s who reached out to me. Her kindness, humour and positivity have nourished my spirit. When I met with her face to face after almost a year of communicating exclusively through email and social media, it felt so right to give her a warm hug even though it was our first meeting.

Intention
It's not enough to see a potential connection if you don't act on it. Beck contends: "When opportunity arises, you have to put yourself out there, and that requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to let things be awkward." Most friendships are like courtships; they won't develop without intention—a commitment to acting on something important. "This is the hardest part of friendship," notes Beck. "It takes energy and thought, and our mental and physical resources are often spread thin. In other words, friendships take work."

Ritual
"One thing that seems to make keeping up with friends easier is ritual," says Beck. Examples of rituals among friends are getting together once a month for a book club, going for a weekly hike or participating in a regular dinner party. It's easier to build and maintain friendships when gatherings are hardwired into your calendar.

Imagination
Beck argues that it takes imagination to see friendships as something other than "a supporting role to work, family, and romance." She recommends designing your life so that friendships play the role you want them to, not the second-fiddle role you may assign to them by default. "A friendship can be whatever you want it to," suggests Beck. "Each one is a canvas whose only limit is our imagination."

Grace
Beck says that grace is the most important force of the six. She defines grace in two ways: "One is the forgiveness that we offer each other when we fall short. The other is the space that creates for connections—and reconnections—that feel nothing short of miraculous." Grace appears to be about flexibility (allowing the friendship to fit the shape your life needs it to take) and acceptance (viewing the friendship positively despite limited contact). Beck states: "I’ve come to believe that friendship doesn’t always have to be about presence; it can also be about love that can weather absence."

I would sum up Beck's advice in these six tips:
  1. Spend time with your friends and the people you hope will become friends.
  2. Pay attention to opportunities for new, expanded or rekindled friendships.
  3. Be intentional in your interactions by taking steps to nurture a friendship even if that means being vulnerable.
  4. Establish rituals that make spending time together automatic and effortless.
  5. Imagine friendships that fit your needs, however you may define them.
  6. Be gracious and flexible with your friends, accepting the ebb and flow of your relationships.

How my friendships have evolved

Since my diagnosis with cancer and my retirement, I have had more time to devote to friendships, even if many of those relationships have been sustained largely through electronic communication because of COVID. I've made a point of responding to every comment I've received on my blog posts, which has facilitated a level of connection that would not otherwise exist.

One of the most interesting qualities of the friendships I've developed in the last few years is absence of hierarchy. People I used to work with and who might have felt awkward communicating with me when I was an assistant deputy minister appear to be completely at ease relating to me now. Others have told me that my blog posts make them feel that they are right there with me on my journey. Sharing my daily reflections has helped friends and acquaintances, not to mention family, identify things we have in common, and these commonalities have served as the basis for further attachment.

My increased time for friendships has come at the same time as a pandemic that has interrupted many rituals—those regular get-togethers that don't require any special effort on anyone's part. We need rituals to foster good mental health and positive relationships.

I love Beck's reference to grace. For me, grace is recognizing that people come and go from our lives and sometimes come back again. I have two friends with whom I remained in contact after we had stopped working together. We would occasionally meet for breakfast or lunch and maintained a pretty active email triangle. And then life got busy, or maybe I got too busy, and our communication tailed off. After I was diagnosed with cancer, I reached out to both gentlemen. Not knowing what my prognosis would be gave me all the reason in the world to be intentional. We will finally get a chance to meet face to face this coming week after months of trying to find a time that would work for us and when I wasn't in treatment or recovery from one cancer or another. I can't wait.

And I look forward to getting together again with my former colleague and friend for another afternoon conversation. As Beck says in her article, "connection can come from anywhere, at any time, if both parties are open to it." Post-cancer, I've never been more aware of the importance of friendships and the need to tend to them.