[2022-06-21] How to stop ruminating

I recently had an online conversation with someone who was anxious about an upcoming meeting with their boss. They asked, "Why am I so nervous?'

I noted that it was understandable that they would be nervous: they didn't know what would come of the discussion, and the consequences could be serious. I speculated that they had a bunch of thoughts swimming around their mind, some positive and some negative. I made this suggestion:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. Title the left side Positive Thoughts (or Positive Pete) and the right side Negative Thoughts (or Negative Nancy). Every time you think of something in either category, write it down. Once you get it out of your head and onto the paper, the thought will have less power to keep whispering in your ear. It's also easier to remember what Positive Pete has to say when Negative Nancy has been put to rest. So when you are at risk of ruminating (thinking the same negative thought over and over), you can say, "Enough Negative Nancy. I've already written that one on the list."

I then proceeded to remind this person of things they had already told me that they could put on the positive side of their ledger: forward-looking signals from their boss, compliments from their colleagues, a solid piece of work they had completed recently, their demonstrated openness to feedback and their willingness to apply that feedback to improve.

As my friend and I were chatting, I looked up a few articles on rumination: What Is Rumination and How Can I Stop These Repeating Thoughts?, 9 Tips to Help Stop Ruminating and 10 Tips to Help You Stop Ruminating. One article likened rumination to being on a treadmill, one that is difficult to get off. All three offered recommendations on how to counteract persistent negative thoughts, which I've summarized here:
  1. Distract yourself. Finding a distraction can break the cycle of negative thoughts. Call a friend. Watch a movie. Read a book.
  2. Get out of your mind and into your body. Do something physical to escape the endless chatter in your mind. Go for a walk. Clean and organize your home. Enjoy activities in nature, such as gardening.
  3. Write it out. Take out a piece of paper, set a timer for two minutes and write down all the thoughts that come to mind. After the two minutes are up, tear up the piece of paper and throw it away. (I prefer my idea of distinguishing between positive and negative thoughts, and of keeping the document as a touchstone whenever the negative thoughts resume. One quick glance at Positive Pete's assertions can quickly silence Negative Nancy.)
  4. Focus on what you can control. Suppose you are ruminating over an upcoming job interview, said one article, and you can't get self-defeating thoughts out of your mind. "In that case, consider what aspects of the interview you can control, such as pre-interview prepping or ensuring you are well-rested. Determining what you can do to be proactive in a situation and taking action may help reduce rumination."
  5. Make a plan to take action. Write down each step you can take to address the problem. This approach can not only disrupt the rumination but also give you a strategy for getting rid of the negative thought permanently.
  6. Take action. Once you've prepared your plan, take one small step towards putting it into action. "Keep in mind that you don’t have to solve the problem to stop ruminating about it—just the movement toward solving it can help."
  7. Ground yourself in the present. You can ruminate about the past or the future. If you're replaying history in your mind, ask yourself whether your perspective reflects reality. If you're anxious about an upcoming possibility, remind yourself that situations often turn out better than you might anticipate.
  8. Name the voice in your head. "Giving your ruminating thoughts identities can help you have more power over them. Naming them allows you to be aware they exist, but offers the option of not choosing to give them attention." You might say, "I see you Negative Nancy, but I choose not to engage with you right now."
  9. Practice positive affirmations. Come up with a few phrases you can say, either out loud or in your head, to build yourself up and to respond to negative thoughts. You might say, "I can overcome anything that comes my way, as I've done before."
  10. Phone a friend. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member—someone who will listen with empathy but who will also help you to consider other possibilities rather than to reinforce your rumination.

A few days after our online conversation, my friend met their boss. The conversation turned out better than they had imagined. They will no doubt be able to draw on this experience the next time they engage in anticipatory anxiety.