[2022-06-23] I had cancer
I got my latest CA125 result today. Another 8. Normal. Low. Steady. It would appear that my ovarian cancer continues to be held at bay.
And now that I've almost entirely healed from treatment for perianal skin cancer, I'm increasingly describing myself as having had cancer rather than having it.
This change in language has come about gradually. Given that ovarian cancer is rarely cured, I have tended to think that once an ovarian cancer patient, always an ovarian cancer patient. So throughout most of the past two years, I have used the phrase "I have cancer."
This was unequivocally true when I was on active treatment for ovarian cancer and then perianal skin cancer. But now that I've come through both treatments, with a CA125 that has been normal for 19 months and a second cancer that has likely been cured through a combination of surgery and radiation, I'm feeling like this cancer thing might just be behind me.
I know. I know. Cancer could return someday, or I could develop a new cancer, such as breast cancer. But for this moment, I'm allowing myself to believe that I no longer have cancer.
Does this change in terminology make a difference? Perhaps not to my treatment or prognosis, but it does make a difference to my identity. At lunch yesterday with a friend, she noted that she doesn't identify with her culture and wondered whether she should. I understood. Even though I'm a cancer survivor, I don't think of cancer as a primary part of my identity. That may sound odd coming from a person who has blogged about her cancer journey every day for the past 686 days. But—as you've no doubt noticed—I write about many things that go well beyond cancer.
The biggest impact cancer has had on my life is its influence on my perspective. I am no longer interested in trading time for money. I want to be present for my loved ones in ways I wasn't before cancer and retirement. I try to avoid stress, negativity and drama. I set my priorities based on what brings me joy, not on what others might recommend for me. I value flexibility—the ability to do what I want to do when I want to do it—even while enjoying a predictable routine. I am keenly aware of the importance of my physical and mental health and endeavour to set and protect my boundaries. I appreciate the creative freedom I have to write about whatever strikes me on any given day.
Yes, I am a cancer survivor and even what some call a cancer thriver. I am reminded of this each month when I get my CA125 result.
But I'm also a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, blogger, mentor, learner and teacher. Each of these roles is as important to my identity as the role of cancer survivor.
I hope to have many more years of being able to say, "I had cancer."
