[2022-06-26] People-pleasing

From time to time, Jenesis readers ask me to write a post on a specific topic. This post—about people-pleasing—was inspired by such a request.

What is people-pleasing? In How to Stop People-Pleasing (and Still Be Nice), Crystal Raypole quotes therapist Erika Myers, who says that people-pleasing involves "editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions." Myers goes on to say, "The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs."

Where do such behaviours come from? In 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser, Amy Morin explains the genesis of the tendency to try to please other people:

For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them. Over time, for them, people-pleasing became a way of life.

I can relate to both origin stories. I would offer an added nuance to the second example. Sometimes when people-pleasers try to assert their boundaries, they are met with such a strong, negative reaction that they revert to their accommodating ways to avoid a similar response in the future or because they find being charitable ultimately more effective.

Morin notes that many people-pleasers want to be viewed as kind and good people, so they are reluctant to say no to others. She offers 10 signs that you are trying too hard to please other people:
  1. You pretend to agree with everyone. While listening politely to other people's opinions, especially when they differ from your own, is a good social skill, pretending to agree when you don't can cause you to compromise your values.
  2. You feel responsible for how other people feel. While it's useful to consider the impact of your behaviour on others, it's not up to you to try to make other people happy.
  3. You apologize often. "You don’t have to be sorry for being you."
  4. You feel burdened by the things you have to do. If your schedule is filled with commitments to other people that don't reflect your priorities, there's a good chance you're a people-pleaser.
  5. You can't say no. You say yes when you want to say no, or agree to something but come up with an excuse, such as illness, to get out of the commitment.
  6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you. If you are bothered by the fact that someone is displeased with you, you may compromise your values.
  7. You act like the people around you. "Studies show that people-pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable in social situations."
  8. You need praise to feel good. If your sense of self-worth rests on compliments from others, you will feel good only when receiving praise.
  9. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. You may struggle to stand up for the people and causes you believe in if you try to avoid conflict.
  10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt. "You can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to speak up sometimes and say that your feelings are hurt. Denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed—even when you’re emotionally wounded—keeps a relationship superficial."

The last sign in Morin's list struck a chord with me. It's my most pronounced people-pleasing tendency. Because of my propensity to approach people with empathy, I cut others slack more often than perhaps I should. I also play the peacemaker, not jumping on every single instance of disagreeable comportment. I respond if bad behaviour persists, but give most people a mulligan the first time they act in a selfish way. Sometimes, I simply walk away, limiting my exposure to people who are uncivil.

Morin offers only a few, brief strategies for undoing a people-pleasing style: say no to something small, express your opinion about something simple, or take a stand for something you believe in. So I kept reading.

In 15 Signs You're a People-Pleaser, also on Psychology Today, Sharon Martin offers a similar list of signs that you are trying to please others at your own expense:
  1. You want everyone to like you.
  2. You over-apologize.
  3. You crave validation.
  4. You let people take advantage of you.
  5. You feel guilty or mean when you set boundaries.
  6. You’re afraid of conflict.
  7. You’ve always been a "good girl" (or guy); a rule-follower.
  8. You think self-care is optional.
  9. You feel tense, anxious, or on-edge.
  10. You expect yourself to be perfect and hold yourself to high standards.
  11. You put yourself last and don’t know how to ask for what you need.
  12. You’re sensitive to criticism.
  13. You think your feelings, needs, opinions, and ideas aren’t as important as other people’s.
  14. You're a "fixer"; you hate to see anyone hurt, afraid, sad, or uncomfortable.
  15. You resent always being asked to do more and wish people would consider your feelings and needs.

I'm a fixer, wanting to take away people's pain. Martin offers four tips for overcoming people-pleasing.
  • Take care of yourself. Doing so isn't selfish. If you don't take care of your needs, your physical and mental health will suffer. You'll get sick, fatigued, stressed and irritable. Put self-care activities on your calendar. At least once a day, ask yourself, "How do I feel? What do I need?"
  • Be choosy about the people you try to please. The closer the relationship, the more legitimate it is to try to do things that will please the other person. "All healthy relationships involve compromise and it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy." But you don't need to go out of your way to please everyone in your life. "Another important distinction between people-pleasing and healthy relationships is that compromise and acts of service are mutual (you should not be the only one giving and making concessions), and you shouldn’t have to violate your values and principles to make others happy." When compromising or doing something to please another person, ask yourself whether you're doing so out of love, habit or fear (e.g., fear of conflict, disappointing the other person or being disliked). Ask yourself whether you and the other person are both making compromises or whether you're the only one.
  • Consider that healthy conflict can improve relationships. "When we avoid conflict, we suppress our feelings, wants, and needs. And this causes us to disconnect from ourselves and from others (we can’t be emotionally intimate when we don’t express our feelings). So, the more we try to avoid conflict, the more we lose touch with ourselves (our interests, hobbies, friends, goals, and so on), which is why people-pleasers and codependents often feel like they don’t know what they want or like. And when we suppress our feelings, we often grow resentful, snappish, and our bodies show physical signs of stress (aches and pains, insomnia, etc.)." Healthy conflict occurs when each party can express their thoughts and feelings, which are accepted in a respectful way by the other party.
  • Remind yourself that your feelings, opinions and ideas matter. The belief that other people are more important than you may be based on negative and inaccurate messages you received in childhood, then internalized. To counteract these strong beliefs, regularly repeat a mantra, such as "my feelings and opinions matter." (In my early twenties, I often told myself: "I am loving and lovable. My life is filled with love.") When a self-critical thought comes up, ask yourself: "Where did this belief come from? How do I know it’s true?" Value yourself: treat yourself the way you treat people you care about.
Raypole also suggests several tips for overcoming people-pleasing.
  • Understand your motivations for showing kindness. Practising kindness is a good thing when motivated by a desire to make things better for someone else, not as a means of earning approval. Before you extend a kindness, ask yourself whether helping this person will bring you joy or whether it will make you feel resentful because the courtesy is not reciprocated.
  • Practice putting yourself first. Putting your needs first is healthy. "If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be capable of doing anything for anyone else."
  • Learn to set boundaries. When someone asks for your help or you're tempted to offer it, ask yourself how you feel about the action (something you want to do or something you're dreading?). Ask whether you will have to forego a commitment to your own self-care to meet this new obligation. Ask how helping will make you feel (happy or resentful?).
  • Wait until you're asked for help. People-pleasers are quick to offer solutions to any problem. Challenge yourself to wait until someone explicitly asks for your assistance.
  • Talk to a therapist. "It’s not always easy to break long-standing patterns by yourself, especially ones that form in childhood or as a result of trauma."
Reading and summarizing even a few articles on people-pleasing reminded me of my own penchant for pleasing, something that has followed me from the work world into retirement. In some ways, my disposition to please is even stronger in retirement, as I now have more time to help others.

While I'm not a hopeless people-pleaser, I would still benefit from practising a few of the strategies presented in this post, most notably, admitting when my feelings are hurt, taking care of myself, respectfully expressing my thoughts and feelings, asking myself "how do I feel, and what do I need?", avoiding doing things that will make me feel resentful, and waiting until someone explicitly asks me for help.