[2022-07-02] Becoming myself
When I was told that I had ovarian cancer, I went home and did what I normally did every night: I worked late into the evening for my job. The next morning, despite my return to the hospital for further diagnostic tests, I tried to carry on with my work commitments, even hosting a videoconference with my staff from a hospital quiet room because I remembered the event only moments before it was scheduled to begin—too late to call the whole thing off. I continued to work over the subsequent weekend and a few days the following week, including the day I married my husband at 5:00 PM on a work night in a simple ceremony on our back deck.
It took a full week to admit that my old identity as a hard-working and committed assistant deputy minister was fading and a new identity—that of cancer patient—was emerging. Old habits die hard.
For the next six months, I identified as a cancer patient. As I underwent surgery and chemotherapy, my life revolved around treatment, recovery, and nurturing my physical and mental health.
But my life was about other things too. For the first time in years, I was able to embrace my identity as a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend and, of course, writer.
As I recovered from ovarian cancer and began to contemplate a possible return to my job, I realized that my former identity as an executive had not only faded but had all but disappeared, crowded out by the new identity and new habits that I had adopted. These included spending time with my family, renewing old friendships and cultivating new ones, baking and cooking for loved ones, and writing every day. I wasn't prepared to give up any of these new habits and my new identity to return to old habits and an old identity that no longer aligned with what I wanted out of my life—a life that seemed much more precarious than it had before my diagnosis.
I hadn't given much thought to identity and habits until I read Atomic Habits. Author James Clear was the first person I can recall writing that our habits influence our identity and vice versa. He said: "Your habits shape your identity, and your identity shapes your habits."
I was reminded of this connection when I came upon a recent Instagram post by Clear. He stated:
Your habits are not the only actions that influence your identity, but by virtue of their frequency they are usually the most important ones. Each experience in life modifies your self-image, but it's unlikely you would consider yourself a soccer player because you kicked a ball once or an artist because you scribbled a picture. As you repeat these actions, however, the evidence accumulates and your self-image begins to change. The effect of one-off experiences tends to fade away while the effect of habits gets reinforced with time, which means your habits contribute most of the evidence that shapes your identity. In this way, the process of building habits is actually the process of becoming yourself.
Your habits shape your identity. I was able to see this concept in action when I looked back on my accomplishments log, which I've been maintaining since the beginning of April. When I wanted to identify my priorities, I started by reviewing my log. This daily account of what I saw as my achievements reflected my habits, which were—in turn—shaping my identity. While I wrote my priorities as nouns, I could have written them as identities. So the habit of "writing" begets the identity of "writer"; the habit of "health" begets the identity of "healthy person."
I love what Clear says about becoming yourself: "the process of building habits is actually the process of becoming yourself." I haven't yet fully become myself in my post-cancer, post-job reality, but I'm working on it. I recently made a change to my accomplishments log: after each entry, I now add the priority to which the activity corresponds. For example, going for a walk with my daughter contributes to my family and health priorities. I have found value in looking at my habits for an indication of my identity and in defining my desired identity and using that to drive my habits. It all contributes to my becoming myself.
