[2022-07-22] Pride-in-your-child day
We had dinner together as a family at my son's place tonight. As we settled down to eat, my daughter said, "We have Father's Day and Mother's Day, but not really Children's Day. What makes you proud of your children?" she asked me.
It was an excellent question—one I was happy to answer. For the next five minutes, I shared numerous examples of things for which I was proud of Shane and Melanie:
- Their skill in managing their finances.
- Their responsibility in letting us know where they are and when they'll be home.
- Their acceptance of and support for diversity, such as sexual orientation, gender expression, ethnic background, education.
- Their respect for the environment.
- Their caring for other people.
- Their courtesy in dealing with service providers.
- Their sensitivity to the feelings of others, both their perception of other people's emotions and their response.
It was remarkably easy to come up with a list of qualities my kids possess that engender pride in me. I might have added their perseverance in their studies and their success in choosing careers that suit them.
I then asked Shane and Melanie to share what they admired in the other. Shane said he was proud of Melanie for nurturing her mental health. And Mel said she was proud of Shane for pursuing his independence.
When I got home, I checked whether Children's Day is a thing. It turns out that there is a World's Children's Day, celebrated on November 20 each year.
But that's not the same as Pride-In-Your-Child Day, which I think would be an excellent occasion to observe. It's easy to celebrate our children; in fact, Shane stated that it's something many parents do every day. But how often do we share with our kids what makes us proud of them?
In 10 Ways to Say "I Am Proud of You" to Your Kids, Jackie Bledsoe acknowledges that even though he and a group of dads tell their kids every month why they are proud of them, they don't necessarily do it more frequently. He says:
Each month, my kids and I have breakfast with a group of other dads and their kids. As each dad takes their turn going around the table speaking about their kids and what they’re proud of, I watch their kids. They perk up, their eyes wide open in anticipation as their dad shares why he’s proud. Their reactions are priceless, and my kids have the exact same response. The ‘pride exercise’ is the highlight of each breakfast and one of the foundational pieces at each monthly All Pro Dad Chapter Meeting.
Every single dad and kid at the breakfasts love it. But part of me wonders, as great as this exercise is, how often do we do this when we are not at an All Pro Dad Chapter meeting? Do we let our kids know that we are proud of them enough? If we only do it once a month, then the answer is no. We may want to, but sometimes the busyness of life works against us and we don’t realize we could encourage our kids more. How great would it be if we did the pride exercise on a regular basis?
We may feel proud of our children. And we may share that pride with other people. But there is value in sharing it directly with our kids. Just as Bledsoe saw the kids at the monthly breakfast "perk up, their eyes wide open in anticipation," Shane and Mel listened attentively when I shared my list at dinner and when they commented on each other.
Through additional research this evening, I came upon an instructive response to a question from a parent about expressing pride in her son. Dr. Alan Greene wrote:
There are several key times to express to your child that you are proud of him. First, whenever you see your son stick out his chest, swollen with pride in his own accomplishment, you should join him in celebrating. It doesn’t matter whether the accomplishment seems significant to you or not—what counts is that he does. You can be proud that he has achieved his own goals. When you see his self-satisfaction, point out to him that he must be very proud of himself. Then tell him how proud you are of him....
There will be other times when your son has accomplished something, but is not sure of himself. In those times, he will probably look to others for affirmation. Many children experience this when they are experimenting with art. They aren’t sure if it is "good" or not. They look to others to find out if they are okay....
Perhaps the most crucial situation in which you need to tell your son that you are proud of him is when he feels like a failure.... Children often feel like failures. The most important time to tell your son that you are proud of him is when you see him deflated over his lack of accomplishment. Describe positive character traits that you see.... Praise for positive character traits does more to build a child’s healthy self-esteem than praise for what you perceive as accomplishments.
To build self-esteem, children (and adults) need symbols of their accomplishments. Consider starting a tradition of celebrating your son’s "firsts." Get a special object like a dinner plate with "I did it!" imprinted on it. Let that be your son’s special plate, for use on days when he does something for the first time. (The plate can also be used as a signal that the conversation at the dinner table needs to include a recounting of his accomplishment!)
Another excellent habit to get into is taking pictures that depict each accomplishment or achievement. Be sure and take a picture of your son riding his bike on the first day he manages to balance it all by himself. Keep copies of those "special achievement" pictures in a separate album. Whenever your son is feeling especially low, pull out the album, sit down together, and tell the story of each accomplishment, taking time to remind him how proud you are of all the things he has done. Before long, he will be able to see his current situation in light of the many great things he has done, and he will know that you are proud of him.
Children need to try new things in order to grow. Growing is exciting, but trying new things includes risking failure. Learning to deal with success and failure are both parts of the process of growing up. If your son really knows how proud you are of him, whether he succeeds or fails, he will be much more likely to try new things and he will be well on his way to success in life.
I love this advice. It's relevant to me even though my kids are long past potty training, colouring and learning to ride a bike. Children need to hear that we—their parents—are proud of them, and they need to hear why. Moreover, they need to hear this more than once a year, more than once a month and more than once in a blue moon. We can make any day Pride-In-Your-Child Day.
