[2022-08-10] Thank you etiquette
The other day, my son and I were talking about the etiquette of thanking someone for a gift. I suggested that a thank-you should be timely (extended as soon after receiving the gift as possible), specific (acknowledging what the gift was) and effusive (expressing enthusiasm for the gift and explaining why it was a good choice).
This is easiest when the giving and receiving take place at the same time. In that context, a thank-you might sound like this: "Thank you so much for this beautiful plant. It's very kind of you to think of me. I know exactly where I'll put it: on my balcony where it's sure to add a bit of freshness to my seating area."
It's more challenging when the giving and receiving are asynchronous. We make a mental note to send a thank-you ("I'll call them later"; "I'll send them an email"; "I'll thank them when I see them tomorrow"; "I'll send a card in the mail") and then our busy lives get in the way and we forget. This challenge has been exacerbated by COVID, which separated many a giver and receiver, as gifts were dropped off with no face-to-face contact, sent through the mail, or delivered via an intermediary.
For those occasions, a sample thank-you note might read as follows: "I wanted to thank you for the beautiful plant you sent to me via my mom. She just dropped it off, and I've already placed it on my balcony. It adds a lovely bit of freshness to my seating area. Thank you so much for thinking of me."
Tips and tricks for thanking a gift-giver
Following my conversation with Shane, I put together this more comprehensive list of tips and tricks for thanking a gift-giver.
Be timely
Communicate your appreciation for a gift as soon as possible after receiving it: from a few days to a few weeks. For a major event, such as a wedding or shower, aim to send your thank-yous within a month or two of the occasion. For a significant gift, you can send a quick message via email or text (particularly if the gift was sent through the post) and follow it up with a hand-written note via mail. As important as it is to be timely, if you've forgotten to send a thank-you, remember what Emily Post said: "A late note is always better than no note at all."
Be specific
Mention the specific gift the giver provided and how you expect to use it. For example, if you received money, you might say "thank you for the generous gift" and indicate what you intend to put the money toward ("I look forward to treating my partner to dinner at our favourite restaurant").
Be effusive
Reward your gift-giver with a fervent response to their generosity. Doing so evokes a giver's high—that warm feeling they get from knowing they had a positive influence on you. Acknowledge their generosity, thoughtfulness, kindness, and good taste in choosing an appropriate gift ("I love it"; "It was perfect").
Match your response to the gift-giver and the gift
Some gift-givers appreciate a telephone call, while others prefer a hand-written note through the mail. Some like an e-card, while others welcome being tagged in a social media post in which you show how their gift was put to use. Small gifts, such as extra produce from your garden, might warrant a quick call or text to show appreciation. Larger gifts, such as a present at the holidays, would benefit from a call, visit or hand-written note. But just as a late note is always better than no note at all, a thank-you in any form is always better than no thank-you at all.
Have a supply of thank-you cards and stamps on hand
For those times when a handwritten note is most appropriate, keep a supply of stationery and stamps on hand to avoid having to pop out to the store each time a thank-you card is required.
Consider writing a draft
If sending a card, you may wish to draft your message before transcribing it onto the card. This gives you an opportunity to figure out what you want to say and to ensure that it will fit on your card.
Make the task of writing thank-yous pleasant
One of the articles I read in putting together this post (Being Thankful: Thank-You Note FAQs) shared a wonderful story about how one woman encouraged her whole family to get involved in writing notes of appreciation:
We all love getting presents and are sincerely thankful, but some of us procrastinate terribly when it’s time to write notes. One woman, bemoaning the fact that she had to write not only her notes, but also notes for her three children and her husband, hit upon a brilliant idea.
She had a party. On a Sunday afternoon in January, she invited her husband and their kids to the kitchen table. Everything was ready: note paper, pens, pencils, crayons, envelopes, address book, stamps, and lists. The smallest (ages 4-6) drew pictures of their gifts, and Mom and Dad added dictated captions and thank you’s. The 7-8 year-olds wrote one or two sentences, practicing new writing skills. The 9-and-olders were able to work more or less independently. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad helped with spelling words and addressing, and, in the quiet moments, wrote a few notes themselves.
When everyone was finished, there was hot cider and banana bread. She was amazed at how successful the afternoon was. The kids were involved, the notes were done and the family had time to be together and talk about their holiday, friends and relatives. And a new family tradition was born.
Don't be too hard on yourself
I will admit that I sent very few hand-written thank-you notes in response to the gifts I received after being diagnosed with cancer. For the most part, I opted for electronic communication—emails and texts. While Emily Post wrote that it's OK to call or email close friends after receiving a gift during an illness ("The important point is to be sure the gift is acknowledged in a timely fashion, not to create a burden for the person who is ill or recovering.") I still wish that I had sent more hand-written correspondence. There's something very special about receiving a tangible demonstration of appreciation, knowing that the recipient of a gift wrote the card and put a little of themselves into it. Sometimes, I didn't have the giver's home address, but, again, in retrospect, I wish that I had simply reached out to the giver through whatever means available (call, email, social media) to request their address, being upfront that I wanted to send them a thank-you note.
While most articles I read recommended a hand-written note to express thanks for gifts, dinner parties, overnight stays, funeral flowers or donations, and a service or good deed, other posts acknowledged that the form of the thank-you is less important than the sincerity of the message.
