[2022-09-12] Finding yourself
While scrolling through Instagram this evening, I came across this quote by Emily McDowell on MyPositiveOutlooks:
"Finding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.
Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.
The quote prompted me to think about things I needed to unlearn. Two things immediately came to mind: the first was that I was not attractive. Throughout my teen years and into my early twenties, I bought into the very narrow definition of feminine beauty, an image I didn't feel that I fit. Interestingly, as I worked on my self-esteem—how I felt about myself on the inside—the view I had of my outside improved as well. My growing inner happiness, confidence and radiance started to be reflected on the outside. As I smiled more, many people smiled back. My positive energy became my super power, and it has only increased as I've aged, even more so since being diagnosed with cancer.
The second thing I need to unlearn (note the present tense, which means I'm still working on this one) is my sense of being responsible for things that are not my responsibility. I've always been a responsible person; for the most part, this has served me well. My bosses loved this about me, knowing that I would take initiative and take charge to get things done. But there's a downside to responsibility. It has led me to take on burdens that are not mine to bear. I know why I do so, of course. If I'm responsible, then I can be in control, and if I'm in control, then I may be able to prevent bad things from happening to me or the people I love. This is a pipe dream, of course. Bad things do happen to me and my loved ones, no matter how much I try to own certain problems.
I recently came across a helpful post in Instagram by PeacefulMindPeacefulLife about 10 things that aren't your job:
- Managing other people's moods.
- Meeting society's expectations of who you should be.
- Fulfilling your parents' dreams.
- Assuming responsibility for what other people do.
- Being the peacekeeper for your entire family.
- Controlling how other people choose to behave.
- Sacrificing your own basic needs to serve others.
- Keeping everyone around you happy.
- Changing or trying to fix other people.
- Saying yes every time someone else wants something from you.
I struggle most with 4, 5 and 7.
I'm still finding myself, and expect that I will continue to do so until the end of my days. Cultural conditioning, other people's opinions and my own desire to avoid pain are strong drivers of my thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. On the other hand, cancer and aging have a way of focusing my mind on what's important, on what is aligned with my true nature, and on what makes me a better person. I remain a work in progress.
