[2022-09-29] Preserving relationships

James Clear posed an interesting question in today's weekly newsletter from the Atomic Habits author:

The benefits that arise from a good relationship—whether it be in marriage, friendship, business, or otherwise—are often produced over a long time span.

Is it more important to win this battle or to maintain this relationship?

What a fascinating observation. I would interpret the introductory statement to mean that the benefits of a relationship accrue in the short term but also compound over the longer term. Sharing experiences, being there for one another, working through disagreements all help to deepen relationships.

But in the hard moments, it's easy to put more emphasis on being right than on preserving the relationship.

It is often said that "no one is perfect," but perhaps it would be better if we said "people are different." Maybe we get angry because a spouse leaves their shopping to the last minute and comes home with some oddball gifts. Or we get frustrated that a teenager doesn't keep their room as tidy as we'd like. Or we get upset because a friend doesn't acknowledge texts as quickly as we do.

That's not to say that people don't make mistakes and that love is never having to say you're sorry (as per the movie Love Story). Au contraire, an authentic, heartfelt apology is always worthwhile. For example, perhaps a spouse failed to fill the car up with gas when the low-fuel indicator came on while they were driving even though the house rule is "if the light comes on while you're driving, you fill it up." Just picking an example at random, of course.

When I think about my almost 33-year relationship with Chris, there are no doubt many battles I could have chosen to fight to the bitter end. But what a wonderful relationship I would have missed out on (along with a tonne of personal growth) had I decided to focus on the short-term win rather than the long-term win-win. In those 33 years, I had a partner willing to set aside his own career to care for our children and to support me. I had a husband who gave me all the space I wanted to have to pursue my career, devote time to blogging, spend time with others. And I had a companion who took me to almost every medical appointment as I underwent treatment for two cancers—and there were a lot.

Of course, there will always be things about our spouses, family members, friends, business partners, neighbours (etc.) that disappoint us. In my experience, the secrets to successful, long-term relationships include:
  • being able to distinguish between the things that really are unacceptable and the things that are merely different from the way we'd like them to be or from the way we, ourselves, would do them;
  • having the courage to raise issues that should be addressed with the aim of improving the relationship rather than finding fault;
  • maintaining empathy for the other person, recognizing that they face challenges, just as we do;
  • focusing on all the good they bring to our life: support, laughter, joy, a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, validation and love.
This quote (author unknown) sums up James Clear's point well:

Sometimes being understanding is more important than being right. Sometimes we need not a brilliant mind that speaks but a patient heart that listens. Not keen eyes that always see faults but open arms that accept. Not a finger that points out mistakes but gentle hands that lead.

With gratitude to all the loving, caring people in my life.