[2022-10-06] Why we tune out
Today at lunch, Chris, Mel and I talked about what we would have for supper. Mel recommended fish. Then Chris reminded us that we had Romaine lettuce in the fridge. That led me to suggest we have steak and salad instead of fish. Mel and I love a dish I call steak-and-potato salad. We toss together lettuce, cucumber, tomato, and homemade vinaigrette, then add slices of grilled steak, roasted potatoes and goat cheese. It's based on a salad we had at Krave Bistro in Arnprior a few years back.
Early in the afternoon, Chris asked me whether I had taken the fish out of the freezer. "No," I told him, "we're having steak and salad for supper." "Nobody told me," he replied.
Now, it's possible that our conversation was unclear, and that Chris truly was paying attention. But it's also possible that his mind had wandered somewhere between fish...salad...and steak. It reminded me of an exchange in Family Guy: Brian says to Peter: "Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?" to which Peter replies, "I drift in and out."
I don't take it personally when Chris doesn't appear to listen to me. (I'm sure I do the same.) I've read before that spouses stop listening to each other over time. Indeed, according to Kate Murphy, author of You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters, the most common expressions in close relationships after "I love you" are "You're not listening!" "Let me finish!" and "That's not what I said!"
In her New York Times article You’re Not Listening. Here’s Why., Kate Murphy sums up the issue: "There’s an unconscious tendency to tune out people you feel close to because you think you already know what they are going to say."
Murphy spent two years researching her book on listening, and here's the counterintuitive thing she learned: "The closer we feel toward someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them. It’s called the closeness-communication bias and, over time, it can strain, and even end, relationships."
There's research that backs that up. Murphy writes:
Social science researchers have repeatedly demonstrated the closeness-communication bias in experimental setups where they paired subjects first with friends or spouses and then with strangers. In each scenario, the researchers asked subjects to interpret what their partners were saying. While the subjects predicted they would more accurately understand, and be understood by, those with whom they had close relationships, they often understood them no better than strangers, and often worse.
"Accurately understanding another person often requires a second thought, to think, 'Wait a minute, is this really what this person meant?' and to check it," said Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business who studies the closeness-communication bias. "We just don’t do that as much with those we are close to because we assume we know what they are saying and that they know what we are saying."
The closeness-communication bias goes beyond not listening to our partners. It can extend to what we choose to divulge to our loved ones. Studies have found that people sometimes confide their concerns to someone with whom they have weaker ties or even someone they encountered by chance rather than a spouse, family member or dear friend. "In some cases," writes Murphy, "the subjects actively avoided telling the people in their innermost circle because they feared judgment, insensitivity or drama."
The other dynamic that may be at play, explains Murphy, is that the acquaintance or stranger to whom an individual confides their worries showed more interest, asked the right questions, appeared less judgemental or interrupted less. Murphy continues:
Too often spouses, and also parents with their children, reduce conversations to logistics such as what to have for dinner [note to self: talk about more than what's for dinner], whose turn it is to do the laundry, or when to leave for soccer practice. Friends might run down their latest accomplishments and activities. What often gets left out is what is really on people’s minds—their joys, struggles, hopes and fears. Sometimes people keep conversation light with friends and family because they assume they already know what’s going on, but also, they may be afraid of what they might learn.
So how do we counter the closeness-communication bias? The antidote is simple: spend time with the people we love, put down our phones, and actually listen to one another.
As Murphy says, "what is love if not a willingness to listen to and be a part of another person’s evolving story?"
It turns out that we had a lovely supper. Mel and I enjoyed our steak-and-potato salad, while Chris opted for a side Caesar with his grilled steak and roasted potatoes. While we cleared away the dishes, Mel asked whether we would have fish for tomorrow's dinner. Chris and I agreed. What is love if not a willingness to listen to loved ones and enjoy a good meal together?
