[2022-10-12] How we see ourselves

Chris, Mel and I had coffee this morning with friends while on our second day in Kingston. At one point, our hostess commented that it's easy to see that Mel and I are related.

Later in the day, while on a walk, Mel asked me in what ways she takes after me since it can be hard for her to see it herself. I chose to view our similarities as things we have in common, as I am just as likely to model my behaviour after her as she is to follow my example. Together we came up with a number of likenesses beyond our obvious physical resemblance:
  • We are articulate; we enjoy choosing the optimal words to convey our thoughts.
  • We are open-minded, or strive to be.
  • We enjoy engaging others in conversation, and hearing their stories.
  • We are enthusiastic about the things we love, speaking in animated ways about our passions.
  • We are practical and efficient.
  • We are kind and empathic.
  • We love to write.
It was a mutually affirming conversation—an opportunity to identify the best in each other and to take pride in our positive qualities.

Raising low self-esteem

Discussions that nurture our self-esteem—like the one Mel and I had this afternoon and, indeed, our entire visit with our friends this morning—are good for the soul. In reflecting on my day, I was struck yet again by the importance of self-esteem. How we view ourselves is fundamental to our quality of life.

This evening, I read an interesting article on the subject of Raising low self-esteem on the UK's National Health Service (NHS) website. As the webpage explains, persistent low self-esteem can have a negative impact on our mental health and our day-to-day experiences.

The article defines self-esteem as the opinion we have of ourselves. People who have a healthy self-esteem tend to feel positive about themselves and their lives, and are more resilient to life's ups and downs. By contrast, people who have low self-esteem tend to feel negative about themselves and their lives, and are less capable of coping with life's ebb and flow.

Where does low self-esteem come from? The NHS states: "Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves." For some people, the negative messages stand out, possibly because of their frequency or severity. These negative messages get internalized and repeated. Stress and difficult life events can worsen self-esteem. And some people are just more prone to negative thinking.

People with low self-esteem may shy away from social situations and may avoid new or challenging activities. While this approach may help individuals feel safe in the short term, it may reinforce their doubts and fears over the long term.

The NHS offers practical tips for boosting self-esteem:
  • Identify and counter your negative beliefs. "To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them." Write the negative thoughts in a diary, then add evidence that refutes those unflattering beliefs. For example, if you're feeling unattractive and lonely, you could challenge that thought by repeating, "I am loving and lovable—my life is filled with love."
  • Write down positive things about yourself. You can do this on your own or take the approach Mel and I used today of sharing our mutual strengths. Sometimes it's easier for others to recognize your positive qualities than it is for you to do the same. So ask someone you trust to help you identify your good points.
  • Recognize what you're good at and what you're accomplishing. It's too easy to dwell on what you're not good at or to question what you've accomplished. Keeping track of your strengths and achievements can help you silence self-criticism. Setting and meeting new challenges is another way to expand your list of talents and triumphs.
  • Take note of other people's compliments of you. When family, friends or even strangers say positive things about you, take note and keep them in a readily accessible place. Several people I know keep a kudos file, where they store positive messages that other people send to them.
  • Build positive relationships. Spend more time with people who build you up and less time with people who bring you down.
  • Be kind to yourself. Be gentle, the way you would if talking to a friend who is feeling self-critical. And if you can't be kind in this moment, at least don't be unkind. Do something else until you can be kind to yourself.
  • Say no when you can. The NHS writes: "People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to." You can't always say no (for example, when your boss asks you to do something), but when the choice is yours and you'd prefer not to do something, decline. Saying yes when you want to say no can leave you feeling overburdened, angry, resentful and depressed.
One of the most powerful messages in the NHS article is that things that happened in our childhood are not a life sentence. "You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age."

I didn't develop my healthy sense of self by chance. As we all did, I grew up hearing negative messages, internalizing the media's stereotypes about what constitutes beauty, and experiencing difficult events that led me to question my worth. With the help of books, reflection and writing, I applied much of the advice recommended by the NHS to enhance my self-esteem. That change in approach, as Robert Frost wrote in The Road Not Taken, "has made all the difference."

I hope that I can impart that same sense of self-worth to my children, and to as many others as I can.