[2022-12-07] Take the help

Yesterday, while out on a lunchtime walk with my daughter, we came upon a woman who was walking with her children. She was holding the hand of her young son, had a baby bundled on her chest, and was trying to pick up the handle of a little wagon. The boy was trying to wriggle out of his mother's grasp, and the wagon handle was just out of reach for the mom, who couldn't bend over because of the baby.

As we came up to the trio, I said, "Can I give you a hand?" She struggled briefly with the question, as if to say, "I shouldn't need help." But her face softened and she said, "Yeah. That would be great." I picked up the wagon handle so that she could grasp it without letting go of her recalcitrant little boy, and Mel and I continued on our way.

This brief exchange reminded me of something someone said to me after a recent speech: "Take the help when it's offered." My oncologist had said something similar regarding my cancer treatment: "Don't be a hero. Take the meds."

Sometimes we resist help or accept it reluctantly only when we're desperate. Our reluctance to agree to assistance can be rooted in all sorts of insecurities. We may wonder what it says about us that we can't handle our issues on our own. We may beat ourselves up for failing and conclude that we don't deserve support. We may assume that the other person thinks we're incapable of taking care of ourselves. We may worry that accepting help will create an obligation to reciprocate. We may fear that we are a burden to the other person. We may reject the assistance because we want to be in control of finding and implementing the solution to our problem.

The key to getting better at accepting help is recognizing the insecurities that make us reluctant to take the assistance, and changing the narrative in our heads when what we're telling ourselves doesn't serve us.
  • Taking the aid offered by another person doesn't mean I'm a failure; it means I'm human.
  • Everybody needs a hand from time to time.
  • I deserve support.
  • If the person offering help is trustworthy, I can be confident that they want to be of service, not feel superior to me.
  • I like to help others and will happily return this person's favour in the future or pay their kindness forward to someone else.
  • If I consent to the support, this person may take a different approach from me, but perhaps I'll learn something.
I'm glad the young mother took me up on my offer for a tiny bit of help. Accepting my support was—in my view—a show of strength, not of weakness.