[2022-12-26] When loved ones leave after the holidays
After an enjoyable four days at home, Shane returned to his apartment today. It left an emptiness in my house and an ache in my heart.
I console myself with the knowledge that he has created a beautiful home for himself and is charting his way in the world. And I remind myself that I am blessed, as he's really not far away at all.
I imagine that there are others, like me, who welcomed loved ones into their homes for the holidays and are now coping with sadness as those loved ones return to their own homes and lives. With that in mind, and to ease my own melancholy, I've put together a list of things that may help.
It proved challenging to find articles related to my specific circumstances, so I turned to more general pieces about a child's departure from home. Interestingly, one article—How to Thrive with an Empty Nest: 33 Things to do After the Kids Leave Home—acknowledged that empty nest syndrome can come back years after a last child has moved out. Blogger Jane writes, ten years after her last child departed: "And, honestly, those feelings of sadness and loss—sometimes called empty nest syndrome—still come up now and then, especially after a holiday or family event when everyone gathers and then leaves again." Clearly, I'm not alone. Jane goes on to say that while it's appropriate to honour your feelings of sadness, it's equally important not to get stuck there. "At some point," she says, "you have to allow the next chapter to begin."
Be honest with those around you about how you're feeling
In I'm Sad My Child Moved Out — Here's How I'm Coping, Louise Jensen states that she was reassured that she was not alone when she shared her feelings with her husband and friends who had similarly aged children. In doing so, she learned that empty nest syndrome is very common. She found that "being able to talk it out with others going through the same emotions is highly beneficial."
Appreciate your newfound space
In Empty nest syndrome: how to cope when your children leave home, Lianna Champ advises parents whose children have left home to view their house as a space of calm and serenity, rather than as an empty place. She invites readers to enjoy the peace.
Focus on the positives
In Empty nest syndrome: How to cope when kids fly the coop, Maggie Wooll acknowledges: "You are allowed to feel sad about your child leaving home." That said, you can view their moving out as a positive change, get excited about the opportunities that await them, and celebrate their independence. You can also celebrate your role in supporting their independence. "After all," says Wooll, "you deserve a huge congratulations for getting them to this point!"
Be their safe place
Both Lianna Champ and Steven Hesky (How to Recover From Empty Nest Syndrome) recommend that you let your child know that—no matter what happens in life—your home is a safe place and permanent base for them whenever they need or want to return home. This gives both you and your child a sense of security and belonging.
Reconnect with yourself
In 5 Ways to Cope With Empty Nest Syndrome, Amy Morin reminds us that parents often give up hobbies when caring for children takes over their lives. "An empty nest means that you have time to get back in touch with that side of you," writes Morin. "With your kids' stuff gone, there is now more space in your home to store the supplies you need to immerse yourself [in] activities you love." Morin adds that you can ease your sense of loss about your child's departure by finding new personal or professional challenges to tackle.
Reconnect with your partner
As your parenting responsibilities diminish, your opportunities to reconnect with others increase. Morin encourages readers in relationships to remember the years before kids. Now is the time to make new memories as a couple. Similarly, Maggie Wooll writes, "An empty nest is a perfect opportunity to spend quality time with your significant other."
Nurture relationships with family and friends
Blogger Jane counsels empty nesters to use their newfound time to get together with parents and siblings, which is "a great way to fill the need for connection." It's also an opportune time to re-establish friendships that may have been put on the back burner while you focused on raising your kids. Maggie Wooll argues that "Investing in friendships is a healthy distraction, and it alleviates feelings of loneliness."
Enjoy a brand new relationship with your kids
Blogger Jane recounts that when her daughters were teenagers, they talked about everything, shared daily ups and downs, and went shopping together. So when her children left home, she felt like she had lost her best friends. "But I soon discovered," she writes, "that one of the most wonderful things about being an empty nester is getting to know your children as adults." Jane notes that, while her relationship with her daughters has changed, it is still rich and wonderful.
Give yourself a pat on the back
Steven Hesky suggests: "Feel extremely proud of yourself for having raised children who are capable of going out into the world and surviving and thriving on their own." And Louise Jensen recommends celebrating your success. "It's important to remember that if your child has moved out, it's likely because you have done your job as a parent right. I have created and raised a human being who is so resourceful, well balanced, and comfortable with who they are, they are able to fly out into the world. I am confident they have the skills they need to thrive, and that's no small feat."
Realize that letting go is a process
Finally, Susan S. notes in How to Cope When a Child Leaves Home that letting go is a process. "Yes, this moment is an ending of sorts," she recognizes, "but it's also the beginning of an exciting new chapter for both of you."
When Shane moved out a year ago, I was so excited to help him turn an empty apartment into his sanctuary. I'm proud of what he has accomplished over the past year, and I'm proud of what I did to help him realize his vision. Writing this post has reminded me of the wonderful feelings I had this time last year when we were setting up his place, of all the projects we undertook together in the year since, and of the new relationship we have built.
