[2023-02-14] Good relationships
Valentine's Day is a fitting moment to talk about relationships. And when I say "relationships," I mean all kinds of connections that nurture us, and not just the romantic kind.
Fortuitously, a friend sent me an article this morning on the subject of relationships. Writing for CNBC, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger discusses the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked the lives of 724 men, beginning in 1938. He is the fourth director of study.
Wanting to know more about the research project, I found and watched a TEDx Talk that Waldinger delivered in 2015. This little talk, delivered from an elementary school auditorium, became one of the most-viewed talks in the history of TED, and has racked up more than 44 million views since it was posted online. The secret to its success lies, perhaps, in the simplicity of its message. The clearest message from the study, says Waldinger, is this: "Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."
Waldinger goes on to list the three big lessons of the decades-long study:
- "The first is that social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely."
- "The second big lesson that we learned is that it's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.... The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80."
- "And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people's memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can't count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline."
If the lessons of the study are so simple, why do so many of us ignore them? Waldinger suggests this possible answer:
Relationships are messy and they're complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends, it's not sexy or glamorous. It's also lifelong. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates.
How do we do that? Waldinger offers this:
It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights, or reaching out to that family member who you haven't spoken to in years, because those all-too-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges.
It's easy to see why Waldinger's 2015 TEDx Talk has garnered so much attention. His CNBC article—coauthored with Marc Shulz, associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development—is equally informative, discussing seven types of supports we need from our relationships. Waldinger points out that different relationships offer a different combination of supports or even only one. For each support type, Waldinger poses a question:
- Safety and security: "Who would you call if you woke up scared in the middle of the night? Who would you turn to in a moment of crisis?"
- Learning and growth: "Who encourages you to try new things, to take chances, to pursue your life’s goals?"
- Emotional closeness and confiding: "Who knows everything (or most things) about you? Who can you call on when you’re feeling low and be honest with about how you’re feeling?"
- Identity affirmation: "Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and who helps you strengthen your sense of who you are?"
- Romantic intimacy: "Do you feel satisfied with the amount of romantic intimacy in your life?"
- Help (both informational and practical): "Who do you turn to if you need some expertise or help solving a practical problem (e.g., planting a tree, fixing your WiFi connection)?"
- Fun and relaxation: "Who makes you laugh? Who do you call to see a movie or go on a road trip with who makes you feel connected and at ease?"
Waldinger invites readers to reflect on the people in their lives and the types of support that each one provides. He acknowledges that not all types of support will feel important to us. But he also suggests that the exercise might identify gaps in our support structure. We might, for example, have enough people with whom we can have fun but not enough people in whom we can confide.
What is perhaps most valuable to note—especially on Valentine's Day—is that romantic intimacy is just one type of connection. Many other types of relationships can bring equally significant rewards and benefits to our lives. As Waldinger says at the end of his 2015 TEDx Talk, "The good life is built with good relationships."
So here's to all the people in my life who make me feel safe and secure, who help me to learn and grow, who love me at my most needy, who validate me, who help me with life's challenges, and who make me laugh.
And here's to the one who kisses me goodnight. Happy Valentine's Day, my love.
