[2023-03-27] This is love
This morning, I came across a post on Instagram that really struck a chord—so much so that I thought about it throughout the day. It appeared on the account of L.R. Knost, whom I've quoted many times in Jenesis. Her post featured excerpts from a poem called "They Will Think It Is Love" by Iain S. Thomas. I searched for the poem and found a longer version:
They Will Think It Is Love
Before your children came,
They were told that you would love them,
So, whatever you do, how ever you treat them,
To them, it is love.
If you are cruel to them,
They will think it is love.
If you yell at them,
They will think it is love.
If you neglect them,
They will think it is love.
If you walk away from them,
They will think it is love.
And if you are kind to them,
They will think it is love.
And if you are gentle with them,
They will think it is love.
And if you listen to them,
They will think it is love,
And if you hold them tightly,
They will think it is love.
Because we cannot point to anything that exists and say,
This is love.
So you will teach your children
Every day they are with you what it is.
And one day, when someone else treats them
The way you treated them, they will say,
"This is love."
So, teach them well.
No matter what you were taught yourself.
No matter how you were loved yourself.
I am intrigued by the notion that whatever we teach our children, for better or for worse, they will associate with love. If a parent ignored us, we may ignore the ones we love, thinking that this is how they learn. If a parent criticized us, we may criticize others, thinking that this is how they grow. If a parent worked long hours, we may work long hours, thinking that this is how we show love to our family.
If a parent explained why, we may explain why to our kids. If a parent was present for special events, we may show up for our children. And if a parent trusted us, we might trust ourselves and others.
I agree with Thomas' conclusion that it's my job to teach my children what love is—healthy, life-affirming, self-esteem-building love. Indeed, it is my job to treat my kids the way I would want others to treat them.
