[2023-05-10] Mental Rolodex

Years ago, on a late-night flight from Ottawa to Edmonton, I sat beside a young man whom I've never forgotten. Perhaps it was because he was young and good-looking (and because his leg was pressed against mine for the entire four-hour journey). Perhaps it was because he was both cool and enthusiastic—a combination I find attractive. Perhaps it was because he was an easy conversationalist, as interested in what I had to say as he was in sharing about himself. His name was Pete and he worked as a bartender at the Blind Pig, a pub in the Edmonton suburb of St. Albert.

I'm amazed that I still remember my encounter with Pete almost 20 years later. The few details I recall about Pete—his name, his job, his effortless smile—I committed to a card in the mental Rolodex I keep of people I've met over my lifetime.

For those not familiar with a Rolodex, it's a rotating file organizer with index cards that can be pulled out or inserted as needed. It was invented in 1956 and its use peaked in the 1980s, when—according to The History of the Rolodex—it "had reached such a level of importance that people would often steal Rolodexes from their companies when they left (complete with the contact info of a lot of important people)."

For sure, I've added many more details to the cards of family members, cherished friends and colleagues than to Pete's card in my Rolodex. I've noted their full names, tidbits about their history, details of their family members, a resume of their careers, a list of their interests, entries about their preferences, and more. Indeed, Pete's card sits on a rarely used Rolodex for people I once met. My point is that I've made it a habit of filing away details about the people I've come to know, and this has been a valuable tool for starting conversations and building connections.

I'm not the only person to have a mental Rolodex (in fact, I believe that we all do, with varying levels of specificity). A good example of this appears in How to Win Friends and Influence People. Author Dale Carnegie tells the story of traveling salesman Jim Farley: "Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in his mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard."

I have a friend who is like Jim Farley. Whenever we meet, she'll greet me with very specific questions, such as "How is your book coming along?" or "How is Mel doing?" or make statements that are invitations to say more, such as "I really liked your post on rejection." When she says, "I like this thing that you did/said/wrote," I hear: "I want to know more." It's like what Barbara Ueland wrote in If You Want to Write: "The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny; whose attitude is: 'Tell me more. Tell me all you can. I want to understand more about everything you feel and know and all the changes inside and out of you.'"

I prefer my friend's questions to the ubiquitous "So how are you?" Though the latter is an open-ended question, it's such an overused opener that it sometimes leaves me wondering whether the person really wants to know how I am. It reminds me of a woman I worked with when I was a student. Every morning, I would say to her: "Good morning, Pat. How are you?" Her response was always the same: "Fine thanks." Nothing more. She didn't even reciprocate the question, and so our conversation never proceeded beyond this predictable refrain.

So what goes on a mental Rolodex card?
  • Name — What is the person's full name? How do they spell it? How do they pronounce it? What do they like to be called?
Add more details to their Rolodex card as your acquaintance, friend, colleague, neighbour or traveling partner chooses to share them.
  • History — Were they born in another country? Did they come from a big family? Where did they study?
  • Family — Are they married? Do they have children? Are they caring for aging parents?
  • Career — What do they do for a living? Did they recently start a new job?
  • Interests — Do they like to garden? Are they training for a marathon? Did they just get published? Are they learning a new language?
  • Preferences — Do they like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain? Do they like early-morning meetings over bacon and eggs or late night rendez-vous over drinks?
If your approach is "Tell me more. Tell me all you can. I want to understand more about everything you feel and know" and your practice is to listen closely, you can build an impressive card for each person in your life. And the next time you meet that person, you can say something like, "How are things at the Blind Pig?"